IJMC - NYTimes, Mergers You Should Know About

You know, this guy's great and all, but he forgot my favorite merger of 
all time, and the only one that might save Big Blue (you choose which one 
I mean...). The merger that would form:

                              F.B.I.B.M.

Not only would Big Brother be watching you, but you'd pay him for the 
hardware to do it...besides, it rolls of the tongue so well...      -dave



 Jay Jennings : Ultimate Oneness  
  By JAY JENNINGS
 
   NEW YORK, April 20 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today,
Bert and  Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant
conglomeration of  felt that will move them into the No. 2 spot, past
Big Bird and just behind  Barney.
 
   In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the letter P and
the  number 5, and analysts say the merger will help solidify their
market share.  

   "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "'Share' is our favorite
word."

     ---
 
   CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of
consolidation that  saw Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia join to form
Nationsouth, Vermont and New  Hampshire signed a deal today that will
combine the two into one state with  the motto "Live Free or
Whatever."      The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from
Vermont and chickens from  New Hampshire will be exchanged 1-for-1.  

   ---
 
   BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that
he had  acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to
increase  production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to
at least one  novel a month.
 
   The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol
and  Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed
novelists  working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms.
Oates, analysts say  the acquisition of the respected writer will help
him make inroads into new  markets, like college literature classes.  

   "It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with
The New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been
looking for  and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my
production schedule."      An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped
to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through  when Mr. King was informed that the
company was not John Updike.  

   ---
 
   WASHINGTON, Oct. 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across
the  country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile
takeover of  Dogs.
 
   The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will supplant
the  recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of
home  companion services.

     ---
 
   PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be
the  biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join
forces into one  sex, to be called Humanicorp.
 
   The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but
early  negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in
principle to watch  ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. There
are also serious  antitrust issues that will need to be resolved.
 
   A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men had been trying for years to
merge  with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream
for them.  Women were unavailable for comment.
 
   ---  

   ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons of
discord  and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have
decided to  merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell.
 
   "Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared 
simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks and all radios and 
personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of
this as  two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good
of consumers."
 
   Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be
chairman of  the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of
president.      Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part
because the executives  could not reach an agreement on who would run a
combined company.
 
   Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to reign
in hell  than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back."
 
   Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any
layoffs.
 
   Jay Jennings is a writer in Concord, N.H.  
 
Copyright 1998 The New York Times