IJMC - Application To Be A Mad Scientist
I'm not even going to tell you my score. Anyway, my results would be
skewed tonoight anyway. Getting stood up will do that to ya...makes you
want to do wierd things. So I'm going to go have a stiff drink and watch
Terminator II on the laserdisc. Good night all, and have a great
weekend...I'll be incoherent soon. -dave
APPLICATION TO BE CONSIDERED A MAD SCIENTIST
(including self-assessment score)
(Score 1 point for each question, or part of a question, you can answer
'yes' to, unless otherwise indicated. Please consult notes below)
1. Are you tall enough to be played on film by Christopher Lee?
2. Have you studied on the Continent of Europe? (2 points for Heidelberg,
the Sorbonne, or anywhere in the Carpathian region; 1 otherwise).
3. Can you claim to be descended from any well-known family of mad
scientists, master criminals, evil dictators, or vampires? (2 points for a
titled family, 1 otherwise.)
4. Do you have your own laboratory, otherwise than in an academic
institution? If so, does it have:
(a) high-voltage electrical equipment for re-animating corpses
(b) vessels containing human/animal tissues in strange-coloured fluids
(c) out-of-date surgical facilities
(d) dungeon facilities for keeping experimental subjects, rival
scientists, monsters, or your assistant if s/he gets violent?
(e) a large computer which flashes a lot of lights and spews out loads of
magnetic tape when it can't solve a problem
(f) an organ, which you relax by playing?
5. Do you employ any servant/assistant who is:
(a) hunchbacked (or should I say 'spinally challenged' to be politically
correct?) or suffering from any other deformity
(b) educationally challenged
(c) a convicted criminal
(d) a struck-off doctor to help with your surgical experiments
(e) an attractive female, used to lure your enemies to their doom?
6. Would you be prepared to resort to any criminal activity to obtain any
materials for your experiments? (2 points for murder or grave-robbery, 1
7. Do you think your work, or theories, would be disapproved of by:
(a) the Church (or the authorities of your own national religion, or The
Party if applicable)
(b) a medical ethical committee
(c) a War Crimes Tribunal
(d) a statutory body for the licensing of animal experiments
(e) the medical or scientific community in general
(f) a statistician advising on numbers of cases, random selection,
clinical trial design, etc.?
8. Would you be prepared to carry out any of the following experiments:
(a) creating a Frankensteinian 'monster'
(b) passing high voltages through a whole group of corpses to get in touch
with your deceased spouse
(c) vampire-hunting (see Appendix)
(d) developing a new killer species (of animal, plant or microbe), or
genetically altering an existing species with the same
purpose (or recklessly as to purpose)
(e) producing clones of a human individual (2 points for clones of
yourself, Hitler, Stalin, or any Jack the Ripper suspect; 1 otherwise)
9. If your proposed experiments are not listed in, or similar to, (8)
above, can you produce evidence, from two or more academic Professors or
Senior Lecturers in your subject area, that your ideas are crazy?
10. Would you be prepared to use occult or other pseudo-scientific
methodology (spiritualism, invocation of demons, spells, astrology,
numerology, etc.) in your work?
11. If you and/or your work should be destroyed (whether by the
authorities or by an angry mob of the local populace) do you have any
children, children-in-law or other relatives to continue the work? (Single
applicants might consider a sibling, nephew, niece or cousin for this
Special section for female applicants
(in the interests of equality of opportunity. The popular 'mad scientist'
of fiction is nearly always male, and this impression should be
12. Do you believe that males are genetically inferior (over and above
being more likely to develop X-linked recessive diseases)?
13. Were you denied equality of educational opportunity, or treated
unfairly regarding class of degree, postgraduate research opportunity,
etc. because: (a) you were female, and/or (b) you didn't sleep with the
14. Have you ever left, or divorced, a husband/partner because:
(a) he wasn't intellectual enough
(b) he didn't take you seriously as a scientist
(c) he wouldn't act as your assistant and/or experimental subject
(d) he didn't donate his family fortune for your work
(e) he didn't have a fortune to donate, anyway?
15. Have you developed, or would like to develop, a killer species along
the lines of (8d) above, which is selective for:
(a) all human males (because they're potential rapists)
(b) the ones who have relationships with women (because they exploit them)
(c) the ones who don't (because they don't give women the excuse to
grumble about being exploited)?
16. If you answered 'yes' to (8e) above (re cloning experiments), score 2
points for clones of Boadicea or any other well-known multiple man-killing
female, 1 otherwise.
NOTES ON QUESTIONNAIRE
1. This is because Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Vincent Price, Peter
Cushing, and most other actors who have played Mad Scientists, have now
gone to the great horror-film actors' resting place in the sky - or
perhaps to the great horror-film set down below.
For information to female applicants, Mr. Lee has been known to use drag
(see notes on The Wicker Man, below).
4b. That, of course, is not the proper way to store tissue - ask a
4e. A real-life computer would merely stop with an error message, or hang
4f. To suit the mad scientist image, this must be at least 2-manual, and
either a pipe organ or an electro-mechanical type such as a Wurlitzer or
cinema-organ. Electronic models don't count.
6. Excavation of any ancient burial site (in Egypt or elsewhere) by a
reputable archaeological expedition working within the law, and for proper
academic purposes, should not count as 'grave robbery'.
7b. If you come from a regime where ethical permission is not required to
experiment on members of 'inferior races' (however these might be defined)
score 1 point if your work would have contravened EU Safety Regulations if
you had worked there.
8b. No kidding, that's what Boris Karloff did in an old film.
8d. Production of the normal version of a gene for the purpose of
correcting a specific genetic disorder would not be 'mad science'.
8e. 'Growing' a replacement for a specific lost or damaged part of the
body also seems reasonable, and need not be counted as 'mad'.
11. If you have two sons, the older would continue your work; and if he in
turn were to get blown up, lynched by the local populace, or whatever, the
younger son could attempt to rectify the damage inflicted on humanity by
both you and the older son. This theme would, of course, would produce a
trilogy of horror films as opposed to just one. The Frankenstein story has
been adapted accordingly, and a similar theme has been used in a version
of The Fly. (Why not two daughters instead? Ask the film-makers, not me.)
14e. Then you shouldn't have married him in the first place - unless you
are a Mills & Boon reader who believes in 'romance'.
0-4: Probably not enough for you to be counted as a 'mad scientist' - we
all have a few eccentricities.
5-9: Yes, your case to be a Mad Scientist could be considered.
10+: Rather over the top - are you sure you haven't been watching too many
B-grade movies? (I'm not.)