IJMC How To Read the Personals

                   IJMC - How To Read the Personals

There's just not much to say about this one...other than, if you need 
this for more than humor...well, welcome to the IJMC!           -dave

A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds

CODE WORD.....              MEANS
40-ish                      48
Adventur                    Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate                Possessive
Artist                      Unreliable
Athletic                    Flat chested
Average looking             Ugly
Beautiful                   Pathological liar
Commitment-minded           Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important     Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Contagious Smile            Bring your penicillin
Educated                    College dropout
Emotionally Secure          Medicated
Employed                    Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera        Snob
Enjoys Nature               Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty               Would frighten a Martian
Feminist                    Fat; ball buster
Financially Secure          One paycheck from the street
Free spirit                 Substance user
Friendship first            Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun                         Annoying
Gentle                      Comatose
Good Listener               Borderline Autistic
Humorous                    Caustic
Intuitive                   Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition               Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker               Lush
Looks younger               If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel                If you're paying
Loves Animals               Cat lady
Mature                      Will not let you treat her like a farm animal
                            in bed, like last boyfriend did
New-Age                     All body hair, all the time
Non-tradional               Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned               Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded                 Desperate
Outgoing                    Loud
Passionate                  Loud
Petite                      Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins
Poet                        Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional                Bitch
Redhead                     Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable                    Frumpy
Reubenesque                 Grossly Fat
Romantic                    Looks better by candle light
Self-employed               Jobless
Smart                       Insipid
Special                     Rode the short schoolbus
Spiritual                   Involved with a cult
Stable                      Boring
Tall, thin                  Anorexic
Tan                         Wrinkled
Voluptuous                  Very Fat
Weight proportional         Hugely Fat
  to height
Wants Soulmate              One step away from stalking
Widow                       Nagged first husband to death
Writer                      Pompous
Young at heart              Toothless crone

Sooo, where's the male side of that list?  Here, I'll give you a start:

CODE WORD...                MEANS...
40-ish                      52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate                Needy and looking for mother-figure
Artist                      Delicate ego badly in need of massage
Athletic                    Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking             Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking       Fat, grey, and bald
Educated                    Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed                    On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure          I will spend some money on you, in return for
                            which I will expect you to obey my every whim
                            for the duration of your mortal life.
Free Spirit                 Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first            As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun                         Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking                Arrogant bastard
Honest                      Pathological Liar
Huggable                    Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador retriever
Light drinker               Headed for AA
Like to cuddle              Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on      I read Cosmo and think this is what you
the beach                   want to hear
Mature                      Until you get to know him
Open-minded                 Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not
Physically fit              I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors
                            admiring myself
Poet                        Once wrote on a bathroom stall while   
Professional                Owns a white button down
Reliable                    Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours
Self-employed               Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend
Sensitive                   Needy
Smart                       Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on   
Spiritual                   Once went to church with his grandmother on   
Stable                      Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful                  Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Virile                      Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing   
Young at heart              Pedophile

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