IJMC - And a Dollar Short

Where did the weekend go? Did this happen just to me or does it feel like=
=20
the weekend just flew past this time? I mean really, how is it Monday=20
(ok, not quite yet...one hour to go) already? I never even got to take=20
the dog for a walk!                                                 -dave






Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the
one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter
are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I=92ll
just say, =93Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill
will be along shortly.=94

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, =93No animals
allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?=94 Who is that sign for? Is it for the
dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important
occasions, they=92re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants?
=93Sweetheart, let=92s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.=94

Can=92t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded
every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we
are doing? Why don=92t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with te menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don=92t you
ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why do they call it a =93building=94? It looks like they=92re finished. Why
isn=92t it a =93built=94?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies,
and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you
get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go
the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn=92t that the
basic idea behind the wheel? Don=92t they rotate on their own?

All the king=92s HORSES and all the king=92s men? Are you kidding me? No
wonder they couldn=92t put Humpty together again. Just what did those
idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the
person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to
move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our
destination? =93Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine
inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!=94

Isn=92t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows?
How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, =93Oh, man, I can=92t wai=
t
till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.=94

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent,
but they still can=92t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to
get our clothes clean? These guys can=92t even get the DETERGENT white!

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders,
kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see
an ad for a suit, do they say, =93And look at the zipper! Carefully
hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!=94 I think not.
=20
My young son asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I guess I should
have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally
-- but I didn=92t want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president=92s birthday,
like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a lot of
people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
the long weekends.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you=92ll have a couple of days
saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

The people who think Tiny Tim was strange are the same ones who think it
odd that I drive without pants.

Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that=92s five more than the biggest
number you could come up with!

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes.  I mean, it=92s not like he really needed them,
right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don=92t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes
on the last day of their life?

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn=92t as popular a singer as some
people think he should be.  Then, I remember it=92s because he sucks.

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: =93A truck!=94

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add
the words =93dot com=94 to the end of everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I=92ve found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
his stuff. Dog people sure don=92t have a sense of humor.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.  That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.