IJMC - Speak of the Devil and...

It shall appear. I mention the Barbie Song last night and tonight we find 
a wonderful collection of Barbie's that don't quite exist. However, with 
that computer clothing making kit they have for Barbie, I'm sure someone 
could (and perhaps has?) made several of these already. I just don't want 
to know about it, that's all.                                       -dave





Barbies We'd Like to See...

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck
for genuflecting and praying, mini-rosary beads, a mini-bible, and a black
sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her
back and she says nothing because she's taken a vow of silence.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty-hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's
salary) and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that
actually runs the group. Comes with mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back
and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner
cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order
airline tickets for Director Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic
Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually goes untouched for at
least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the
string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while
wondering why she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and
mini-filing cabinet filled with the past five years' worth of US Tax Code
revisions, which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and
she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife.
Comes with a hatred for all men and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white
band on her left-hand ring finger).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie
and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day At A Time" bumper sticker, a
30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Blue-Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW
membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as
compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make
ends meet.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans.
Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull
cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my
face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and
condescending White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Dinner-Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real
curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also
beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinnerrolls, Bucket o' Fried
Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three
packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of
course, an appetite.



The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both
companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans
and synthetic breasts. If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins
seem certain to follow.   Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silksheets and an arrest warrant. 

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens
who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this
doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school,
married too young and ate too much.