IJMC Your Daily Horrorscope

                      IJMC - Your Daily Horrorscope

I wonder what would happen if I started sending out daily horoscopes like 
tonight's little sample...probably lose a lot of subscribers. But hey, I 
don't plan to so you can stay...and show this to all of your friends who 
actually believe in this stuff...                                   -dave

P.S. Hi Liz. (I'd say "Hi" to my mom, but she doesn't have e-mail yet...)

 AQUARIUS (Jan. 20- Feb. 18): You have an inventive mind and are
 inclined to be progressive.  You lie a great deal.  You make the
 same mistakes repeatedly because you're stupid.  Everyone thinks
 you are a big jerk.

 PISCES (Feb. 19- Mar. 20): You have a vivid imagination and often
 think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA.  You have minor
 influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting
 your power.  You lack confidence and are generally a dipshit or a

 ARIES (Mar. 21- Apr. 19): You are the pioneer type and think most
 people are real pains.  You are quick-tempered, impatient, and
 scornful of advice.  You are a real prick.

 TAURUS (Apr. 20- May 20): You are practical and persistent.  You
 have a dogged determination and work like hell.  Most people
 think  you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a
 bleeding communist.

 GEMINI (May 21- June 20): You are a quick and intelligent
 thinker.  People like you because you're bisexual.  You are
 inclined to expect too much for too little.  This means you are a
 cheap bastard.  Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

 CANCER (June 21- July 22): You are sympathetic and understanding
 to other people's problems which makes you a sucker.  You are
 always putting things off.  That is why you will always be on
 welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a

 LEO (July 23- Aug. 22): You consider yourself a born leader.
 Others think you're an idiot.  Most Leos are bullies.  You are
 vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is
 disgusting.  Leo people are theiving disgraces and spend most
 of their time kissing mirrors.

 VIRGO (Aug. 23- Sep. 22): You are the logical type and hate
 disorder.  This complaining is sickening to your friends.  You
 are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex.
 Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

 LIBRA (Sep. 23- Oct. 22): You are the artistic type and have a
 difficult time with reality.  If you are male, you are probably
 4'10" and neurotic.  Chances for employment and monetary gain are
 nil.  Most female Libras are whores. All Libras die of veneral

 SCORPIO (Oct. 23- Nov. 21): The worst of the lot. You are shrewd
 in business and cannot be trusted.  You shall achieve the
 pinnacle  of success because of your total lack of ethics.  You
 are a perfect son-of-a-bitch.  Most Scorpios are murdered.

 SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22- Dec. 21): You are optimistic and
 enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since
 you have no talent whatsoever.  The majority of Sagittarians are
 drunks.  Nixon was a Sagittarian.  You are not worth the time of

 CAPRICORN (Dec. 22- Jan. 19): You are conservative and afraid of
 taking risks.  You are basically chickenshit.  There has never
 been a Capricorn of any importance.  You should kill yourself.

IJMC November 1997 Archives