IJMC - Your Daily Horrorscope
I wonder what would happen if I started sending out daily horoscopes like
tonight's little sample...probably lose a lot of subscribers. But hey, I
don't plan to so you can stay...and show this to all of your friends who
actually believe in this stuff... -dave
P.S. Hi Liz. (I'd say "Hi" to my mom, but she doesn't have e-mail yet...)
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20- Feb. 18): You have an inventive mind and are
inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the
same mistakes repeatedly because you're stupid. Everyone thinks
you are a big jerk.
PISCES (Feb. 19- Mar. 20): You have a vivid imagination and often
think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor
influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting
your power. You lack confidence and are generally a dipshit or a
ARIES (Mar. 21- Apr. 19): You are the pioneer type and think most
people are real pains. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and
scornful of advice. You are a real prick.
TAURUS (Apr. 20- May 20): You are practical and persistent. You
have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people
think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a
GEMINI (May 21- June 20): You are a quick and intelligent
thinker. People like you because you're bisexual. You are
inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a
cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER (June 21- July 22): You are sympathetic and understanding
to other people's problems which makes you a sucker. You are
always putting things off. That is why you will always be on
welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a
LEO (July 23- Aug. 22): You consider yourself a born leader.
Others think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are
vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is
disgusting. Leo people are theiving disgraces and spend most
of their time kissing mirrors.
VIRGO (Aug. 23- Sep. 22): You are the logical type and hate
disorder. This complaining is sickening to your friends. You
are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex.
Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sep. 23- Oct. 22): You are the artistic type and have a
difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably
4'10" and neurotic. Chances for employment and monetary gain are
nil. Most female Libras are whores. All Libras die of veneral
SCORPIO (Oct. 23- Nov. 21): The worst of the lot. You are shrewd
in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You
are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22- Dec. 21): You are optimistic and
enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since
you have no talent whatsoever. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarian. You are not worth the time of
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22- Jan. 19): You are conservative and afraid of
taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never
been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.