IJMC - Maghwige.
I attend the wedding of a dear friend yesterday; tonight I send you a
post on how to get hitched yourself, according to the bible. Maybe
tomorrow I'll send along a canonical list of pick-up lines...or perhaps
not. And if you hadn't realized...the X-Files are back... -dave
THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his
flock. - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab
one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will
cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in
marriage.Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another
seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.
That's right.Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and
get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I
have seen a .... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question
your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
- Samson (Judges14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four
sons,though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a
good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus,
example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1
15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
THE TOP FOURTEEN BIBLICAL WAYS TO GET A HUSBAND - in no particular order.
1. LEAH- have dad get the guy you're interested in apparently drunk,
then on the night of the wedding, palm yourself off as his bride.
2. RUTH- wash up, put on the best clothes you've got, then go to
sleep at the man's feet that you're aiming for. (Ruth 3)
3. EVE- luck out; find only man on earth and what's more, you're
both naked. (Genesis 2:21-25)
4. BATHSHEBA- climb up on the roof of your house in the nude and
wash up in plain view of the guy's house that you're interested in.
(II Samuel 12)
5. MICHAL- have dad give you to a military hero that you have the
hots for. (I Samuel 19)
6. ABIGAIL- be nice to a traveling outlaw so that, when your current
husband kicks the bucket, the outlaw will come back for you. (I
7. CAIN'S WIFE- make sure your husband *knows* you. (Genesis 4:7)
8. OLD TESTAMENT LAW- one possibility is for your slave master to
give you away to some guy. (Exodus 21:4)
9. ESTHER- Get spotted in a beauty pageant and win big. (Esther 2)
10. JAEL- Ooops! This is one good way NOT to!!! (Judges 4:21)
11. MARY- If possible, have an angel coax the guy to marry you.
12. DINAH- have brothers insist on circumcising the guy. Then do a
better job than Dinah did and stop the guy before he gets carried away
and has every guy in the whole town circumcises himself and your
brothers come in and kill off every male. (Genesis 34)
13. ASENATH- Have the king of Egypt give you away to an important
politician. (Genesis 41:45)
14. ZIPPORAH- draw water for your father's flocks. Then befriend
any Egyptian guys who are nearby. (Exodus 2)