IJMC The Unitarian Way

                        IJMC - The Unitarian Way

You know. It's late. It's late on a Saturday and I'm sobering up. Yes, 
I'm here, just not yet ahead enough in things to have caught up with my 
email beyond these posts. And I've got to finish that pyschology paper I 
was working on last week as well as a web site. Oi, tomorrow's gonna hurt.
If I'm not here tomorrow night, well, don't go looking, I'm gone.    -dave

  Seems there is a guy who saves for twenty years to buy his dream car.
He finally shells out a fortune for a brand-new, high-horsepower
Lamborghini. Recognizing the deeply felt significance of realizing his
lifelong dream, he drives over to a nearby Catholic Church and knocks on
the parsonage door. "Father, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to
say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly, my son, " replies the
priest, "but what's a Lamborghini?" "Sorry to have troubled you father -
I just have a feeling you're not the right man for the job."

 So he drives to a nearby synagogue and repeats the question:  "Rabbi,
I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my 
  "Certainly," replies the rabbi, "but what's a Lamborghini?"  "Gosh, rabbi,
I guess maybe you're not the right person for this job either."

  So he drives to his local UU meeting house and finds the minister.
"I was wondering whether you'de be willing to say a blessing on my
Lamborghini."  "Certainly," replies the UU minister, "I'd love to have one
myself, but what's a 'blessing'?"
  A lifelong unchurched man suddenly develops a vague religious urge and
decides to join a church--any church. So he sets out to find one. 

  His first stop is a Roman Catholic church where he asks what he has to
do to join. The priest mentions diligent study and the affirmation of
the Nicene and Apostles' Creeds, then--just to see how much the man
knows--asks him where Jesus was born. "Pittsburgh," he answers. "Get
out!" cries the shocked priest. 

  Next stop is Southern Baptist where the seeker is told he would have to
learn Bible verses, swear belief in the the Nicene and Apostles' creeds,
swear off booze, and be baptized ("By immersion, not just some sissy
sprinklin'"). The Baptist preacher then, to see how much this man knows,
asks him where Jesus was born. "Philadelphia?" he asks tentatively (once
bitten, twice shy). "Get out, you heathen!" yells the preacher. 

  Our perplexed protagonist finally walks into a Unitarian church where he
is told all he has to do is sign a membership card. "You mean I don't
have to renounce anything, swear to anything, or be dunked in anything?"
"That's right. We have no special tests for membership, no dogma. We
support total individual freedom of belief." "Then I'll join! But tell
me--where was Jesus born?" "Why, Bethlehem, of course." The man's face
lights up. "I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania!" 
  An arsonist was torching places of worship in a community.  
  He fired up the catholic church, and the priest charged in and saved the
communion chalice 
  He set fire to the synagogue and the rabbi ran in and saved the torah 
  He set the UU fellowship aflame and the minister charged in and saved
the coffee pot.
Religious Holy Books: 
  Judaism         				     The Torah 
  Islam             				     The Koran 
  Christianity   				     The Bible 
  Unitarian Universalism 		      Roberts' Rules of Order 
  Fellow goes to a UU service for the first time, and later is asked
what he thought of it. "Darndest church I ever went to," he replies,
"the only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor
fell down the stairs." 
  A group of UU church school children were trying to determine the sex
of a rabbit.
  "There's only one way to decide," said one child, "let's take a vote on
  Jesus said to them, "Who do you say that I am?" 
  They replied "You are the eschatalogical manifestation of the ground of
our being, the kerygma of which we find the ultimate meaning in our
interpersonal relationships." 
  And Jesus said "What?" 
Three religious persons are discussing when life begins. 
  The Catholic says life begins at the moment of conception. 
   The Jew says Life begins at the moment of birth. 
   The Unitarian says You're both wrong. Life begins when the last child goes
to college and the dog dies. 
  I just got back from trying out the UU church just down the road. It
was Newcomer Sunday, and the sermon focused on questions that non-UUs
have about UUism. (The answers made it sound as if UUism and humanism
are synonyms. It's a shame.) 
  The sanctuary had no overt symbolism (no stained glass, no banners, no
altars) and the minister wore a simple suit (no robe, no stole). As the
sermon droned on, I began to search for signs of the building's
religious history: places where a cross or a baptismal font used to be,
religious symbols in the woodwork, etc. But I found nothing to indicate
that any religion other than humanism had ever been practiced here. 
  Finally, I realized that I had missed the obvious. Behind the podium,
stretching  floor-to-ceiling, were the grand, well-polished pipes of the
organ. I traced the gentle curve upward to the largest, statliest pipe
in the center, then back down to the smaller, humbler pipes at the far
  And then it hit me. I leaned over and whispered to my friend, "He's
preaching under the sign of the normal distribution." 
Q: What do you call a dead Unitarian Universalist?
A: All dressed up with no place to go.

IJMC May 1997 Archives