IJMC - This Message Does Not Exist Until May 19, 1997

Ok, this is the last one. If I don't return by tomorrow, the IJMC is 
dead. Of course, I'm likely to be as well...or locked up in the slammer 
somewhere in a backwater county in some state hardly anyone wants to hear 
about (probably Washington D.C. [VA or MY, take your pick]). So don't 
worry too much, I promise the first post when I get back won't be as 
dogged as this one. <duck>                                          -dave






*** COLLECTION OF THE WORST DOG JOKES EVER ***

Q. Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A. Because you can't bury them in the sky!

NEIGHBOUR: Come quickly! Come quickly! Your dog just bit a man riding a bike!
SAM: What's the matter with that dog?! I told him he couldn't ride his bike
today!

Q. What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
A. It stole the show!

Q. How did bulldogs get such flat noses?
A. From chasing parked cars!

Q. Why did the dog cross the road?
A. Because it was the chicken's day off!

Q. What did the man say when he saw four giant Great Danes coming toward him?
A. "Here come four giant Great Danes!"

The dinner guest was enjoying his meal at the Johnsons, except for one small
problem. The family dog kept staring and staring at him. Finally, the guest
couldn't take it anymore. "Why is your dog staring at me like that?" he
asked. "Oh, don't mind him," said Mr. Johnson. "He's just angry because
you're eating from his plate!"

Q. Why is a dog's nose in the middle of its face?
A. Because it's the scenter!

Q. Do you know how long dogs should be bathed?
A. The same as short dogs!

Q. When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house?
A. When the door is open!

SIR LANCELOT: A horse! A horse! I must have a horse! King Arthur is in dire
trouble!
INNKEEPER: Oh, valiant knight, I must apologize. That old dog sleeping by
the fireplace is the only animal I possess.
SIR LANCELOT: Very well then, innkeeper I will take him!
INNKEEPER: No, sir, I couldn't allow it. I wouldn't send a knight out on a
dog like this!

DOG: Moo moo moo!
MAN: Hey - you're a dog. How come you're going "moo moo moo"?
DOG: I'm learning a foreign language!

DOG: Cluck cluck cluck.
MAN: Hey - you're a dog. How come you're going "cluck cluck cluck"?
DOG: I got tired of saying "moo moo moo"!

DOG: Foow foow foow!
MAN: Hey - you're a dog. Shouldn't you be saying "woof woof woof"?
DOG: My mother always said I was a little backward!

SCARED PERSON: Please! Call your dog off! Call your dog off!
MARVIN: Sorry, I can't. I've always called him "Henry" and it's too late to
change now!

Q. Why shouldn't you tell these dog jokes while ice-skating?
A. The ice might crack up!

WOMAN: I'm sorry, this dog is sick. He doesn't bark. He goes tick, tick, tick.
SHOPKEEPER: Yes, ma'am. That's because he's a watchdog!
WOMAN: Well, if he's a watchdog, why is he running around in circles?
SHOPKEEPER: He's all wound up!

WOMAN: Miss, can you help me? I want to knit a sweater for my dog, but I'm
having trouble following these instructions.
ASSISTANT: Well, how big is your dog?
WOMAN: Goodness, I don't know exactly.
ASSISTANT: Why don't you bring your dog in?
WOMAN: Oh, no - I can't! I want it to be a surprise!

MOTHER DOG: Son, where are your manners? How many times do I have to ell
you not to eat with your mouth closed!!!>
MATTY: My dog has no nose.
PATTY: No nose? How does he smell?
MATTY: Horrible!

ANGRY DINER: Waiter, come here. There's a fly in my soup.
WAITER: I'm sorry sir. You'll have to leave. This is a collection of dog jokes!

MATT: What's the difference between a championship pedigree long-haired
poodle and a mangy, ill-tempered, flea-bitten mutt?
PAT: I don't know. What's the difference?
MATT: Remind me not to send you out to buy a dog!

ANGRY DINER: Waiter. Come here, there's a fly in my soup.
WAITER: I told you sir, you'll have to leave. This is a collection of dog jokes.
ANGRY DINER: But he's doing the doggy paddle!

RICK: My dog is lost in the woods. What can I do to find him?
MICK: No problem. Just put your ear to a tree and listen to the bark!

POLICEMAN: Young man, does that dog have a license?
MARVIN: He doesn't need one, Officer. He isn't old enough to drive!

Q. Why did the lazy girl buy a really tall dog?
A. So she wouldn't have to bend down to pet him!

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a toad?
A. Warts!

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a skunk?
A. Rid of the dog!

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a computer?
A. A computer with a lot of bytes!

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a kangaroo?
A. A dog that has a place to carry its own lead!

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a lion?
A. A terrified postman!

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with an elephant?
A. A dog that remembers where it buried its bones!

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a frog?
A. A dog that can lick you from across the room!

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a cat?
A. A dog that fights with itself all day!

Q. What do you get when you cross a dog with a racehorse?
A. A dog that chases cars - and catches them!

SAM: It's raining cats and dogs.
PAM: I know. I just stepped in a poodle!

Q. What kind of dog does Count Dracula like?
A. A bloodhound.

POSTMAN No. 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
POSTMAN No. 2: Did you put anything on it?
POSTMAN No. 1: No, he liked it plain!

SAM: Its raining cats and dogs.
PAM: I know. I just stepped in another poodle!
SAM: You don't think we can get away with the same crummy joke twice do you?
PAM: Maybe with all this rain no one will notice!

SAM: Well, do you know what the Dalmation said when it started to rain?
PAM: That hits the spots?
SAM: Thats right.

A man was driving through the country when his car suddenly stopped. He got
out and looked under the bonnet to see if he could find the problem.
"The trouble is in the transmission," a voice behind him said.
The man turned around in surprise, but he only saw a shaggy old sheepdog
standing by the road. "Did you say something?" the man asked.
"I said you'd better check your transmission," the dog replied.
"This is amazing!" the man cried. He forgot about the car and ran to the
nearby farmhouse to tell the dog's owner about what had happened.
"Hmmm," said the farmer. "Was it an old grey sheepdog with big, floppy, ears?"
"Yes, yes! That's the one!" cried the man.
"Well, don't pay attention to him," said the farmer. "He doesn't know
anything about cars!"

MARVIN: Doctor, you've got to help my brother! He thinks he's a dog!
OCTOR: How long has this been going on?
MARVIN: Ever since he was a pup!

SUE: We just got a new dog. Would you like to come over and pet him?
SAM: Gosh, I don't know. I heard him barking and growling. Does he bite?
SUE: That's what I want to find out!