IJMC It's Happenning Again

                    IJMC - It's Happenning Again

Yes folks, the highly esteemd IJMC moderator/dictator is going on=20
vacation again. So you'll get a whole bunch of post-dated IJMC emails all=
at once. Now remember kiddies (and you grown ups too), don't open your=20
IJMC's all at once, we don't know what would happen (although someone=20
hypothesized all that would happen is you would read a lot of IJMC at=20
once, but we fired him promptly). So, enjoy on a daily basis, but=20
maintain your self control at all times. Even you, Rob.             -dave

   For more info:  http://www.theonion.com/onion3118/clintonfires.html

=09 WASHINGTON, DC--President Clinton fired the entire U.S. Cabinet
   Monday following an episode of the popular television program X-Files
   he called "disturbing."
         "Last night, I learned that space aliens have infiltrated the
   highest ranks of the U.S. government, brainwashing an undetermined
   number of my top advisors," Clinton said. "In the interest of national
   safety, I have no choice but to fire all those who may be under the
   influence of these sinister beings."
         Immediately following the episode, which aired on Fox at 9 p.m.
   EST Sunday, the president called an emergency Cabinet meeting, during
   which every member categorically denied knowledge of or involvement in
   an alien conspiracy plot.
         "They refused to admit to anything," Clinton said. "They were
   obviously part of the cover-up."
         "Doubtless, many people will find my story to be ridiculous,"
   Clinton said. "After all, even FBI agent Dana Scully, who has seen
   many such cases over the years, believed this to be the product of an
   over-active imagination. But I am convinced these aliens are real. How
   else can you explain the simultaneous disappearance of top-secret Gulf
   War documents from three different White House safes, all of which
   tested positive for traces of tetranitrohydroxylene-G, a substance
   found only in the distant Beta Sirius star system? And what about that
   Russian sailor stationed off the Alaska coast who died of massive
   cranial trauma even though he showed no signs of sustaining a head
         Clinton has tried several times to contact Scully and her
   partner, special agent Fox Mulder, but has gotten no response. In
   fact, on two separate occasions, the president was told by officials
   at the FBI academy in Quantico, VA, that no such agents even exist.
         "Obviously," Clinton said, "someone in the FBI doesn't want me
   to talk to Scully and Mulder. Someone very high up. They know I know
   too much."
         According to evidence gathered by Clinton while watching the
   hour-long program, in addition to controlling the minds of numerous
   cabinet members, the aliens also played a role in the JFK
   assassination. Clinton admitted, however, that the exact role they
   played in the assassination was unclear, as he got up to go to the
   bathroom during a commercial and came back late, missing a crucial
   segment of the show.
         Even more terrifying, however, is the fact that when Clinton
   checked his VCR, which he "distinctly remembers" setting to tape the
   show, he found the unit turned off and eerily flashing "12:00."
         "Someone, or something," Clinton said, "has the power to break
   into the Oval Office and turn off my VCR without any Secret Service
   agents noticing. Do you now begin to see what we're dealing with? The
   implications are staggering."
         "Had my VCR worked, I would have had more than 44 minutes--not
   including commercials--of hard, irrefutable evidence of these alien
   conspiracies," Clinton continued. "It was all right there--eyewitness
   accounts, video footage of the alien leader exiting a UFO, even a
   taped confession by FBI assistant director Walter Skinner, whom the
   aliens brainwashed into killing his ex-wife. But now I can't prove
         In addition to firing his cabinet, as an added security measure
   Clinton has demanded that he himself be placed under close observation
   for the next month. As per his own orders, the president will be kept
   under 24-hour watch by Secret Service officials to ensure that he is
   not being levitated out of his window at night and brainwashed by
   alien forces to commit major acts of treason in an unconscious,
   trancelike state.
         "They may have gotten me too, and I may not even know it," said
   Clinton, who also demanded that he be given a full EMR scan to check
   for possible subcortical brain implants. "The technology these aliens
   possess is beyond anything we humans have ever seen."
         Despite the many unanswered questions about the alien
   conspiracy, the president is confident that he will learn the full
   story next Sunday night.
         "At the end of last Sunday's episode, I stayed tuned for scenes
   from next week's X-Files, which I firmly believe will be the thrilling
   conclusion of a special two-part episode," Clinton said. "And
   according to the preview's voice-over narrator, nothing can prepare me
   for what will be revealed on the program."
   =A9 Copyright 1997 Onion, Inc., All Rights Reserved.=20

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