IJMC Whaddya Mean, There's No X-Files?!

                  IJMC - Whaddya Mean, There's No X-Files?!

You know, this could also apply if the X-Files is a re-run...as it was 
last night, and looks to be next week...but hey, no re-runs here (at 
least not as often...shaddup you who have been on this list for years! So 
I missed one or two...sue me.).                                     -dave

Twenty Things To Do While There's No X-Files

1) Make David Duchovny and Chris Carter voodoo dolls. Stick pins in their
heads. If you have to suffer for three months so should they. 

2) Give your cooking an added dimension by making everything in the shape
of something from the X-Files. Walter Skinner meatloaf, Dana Scully
cookies. Cut all your sandwiches into Xs. When your child asks you what
the large ill defined blob shaped pancake is, tell them it's the giant
flukeworm. Of course, you're lying - you were actually trying to make Fox

3) Make breakfast fun by drawing a face on your boiled egg. Tape little
paper glasses to the face and pretend the egg is Walter Skinner. Your
spoon is actually an evil alien brain probe. The results will be far more
spectacular if your egg is soft boiled. Later, when you get the shapes
right, he can be rescued by the Fox Mulder pancake or the Dana Scully

4) Spend three months training your cat to perch on top of the sofa and
then leap onto your face, just like the cat out of Tesos Dos Bichos. Make
your partner pretend he/she is Fox Mulder and they can rip the cat from
your face yelling out, `I'll save you Scully!'. Of course, your cat should
be very placid, love being thrown around and you should have had your
tetanus shots. 

5) Start playing X-Files Scrabble. You're only allowed to spell out words
to do with the X-Files. Nouns are allowed. Win game after game with combos
like: ET, EBE and Frohike. 

6) Start an ugly rumour that David Duchovny is losing his hair. 

7) Start an ugly rumour that David Duchovny is leaving the X-Files to
fulfil his life long ambition of starring in a CD-ROM game with Mark

8) Start an ugly rumour that Gillian Anderson is actually an escaped
psychopath. Her next victims are David Letterman and Kathy Lee Gifford. 

9) Save up all your money and go on a vacation to Washington DC. Make sure
you go on the FBI tour every single day. While there, endlessly ask the
Tour Guide, `Where's the X-Files? Where's the X-Files? The X-Files are
true aren't they? What's the real Fox Mulder like to work with?' Your
objective is to make the Tour Guide cry or get banned, which ever comes

10) Save up all your money for three months, wait until August and go on a
vacation to Vancouver, Canada. You have no idea where the X-Files
locations are, so you just imlessly drive around in the hope of spotting a
shoot. When that fails, walk around the streets, stopping people at random
and asking in a sad, pathetic little voice, `Do you know where they film
the X-Files?' If you don't find out by the end of the day, cry
hysterically in your hotel room. If you do manage to find out where they
are, try and bribe your way onto the set by sleeping with the security

11) Go to an X-Files convention. Camp in the same spot for two days so you
can sit in the very front row when the guests talk. When Nicholas Lea
appears, scream out really loudly, `Hey - you're not David Duchovny!'.
When Mitch Pileggi walks out ask him, "Why don't you wear a toupee?" When
you are finally ejected from the convention for bad behaviour, complain
long and loud in the newsgroup. 

12) Apply to join the FBI.

13) Become obsessed with owning a Sig Sauer. 

14) Use your cupboard to build a secret shrine to David Duchovny and/or
Gillian Anderson. When people go near the cupboard commenting that they,
`can smell incense', get very angry and mutter to yourself, `trust no one,
trust no one.'

15) Write an epic piece of X-Files fanfic. It is 100 parts long, takes
seven and half weeks to post and has nothing to with Mulder and Scully
until part 50. The other 50 parts are to do with another character you
invented called `Thraxnor of the Dregullian Death Squads'. Thraxnor
escapes his militaristic home world via a mysterious transport beam and
lands on earth. He spends a lot of time running around, avoiding the nasty
aliens from his homeworld until he finally bumps into Mulder and Scully.
Scully of course, is sceptical, putting Thraxnor's green skin and bumpy
forehead down to a genetic birth defect. 

16) Put all those old Star Trek: The Next Generation action figures to
good use. Buy or make little trench coats (if you can't sow, then make
them out of paper). Put a trench coat on the Riker action toy and pretend
he's Mulder (after you paint over the beard of course). Put a trench coat
on the Beverly Crusher toy and pretend she's Scully. If you seriously
believe that Mulder and Scully should get together, buy Barbie's Dream
House and the car. You can play Mulder and Scully Set Up House Together
the entire summer hiatus. 

17) Suffer extreme withdrawal and buy every single piece of X-Files
merchandise you can lay your hands on. Spend all day on the Internet
downloading GIFS, MPEGS and WAVS. Use up at least 100 megs of disk space
on your hard drive. Become desperate for a tape drive so you can back it
up because you'd die if you lost your collection. Try not to have a heart
attack when the bill from your Internet Service Provider arrives. 

18) Apply to go to Oxford University. 

19) Here's one exclusively for the women of the group... Decide that
Scully clothes are the epitome of style. You are going to copy her dress
sense. You spend three months shopping for suits and jackets in that nice
shade of green... Ignore that fact that you're too
short/tall/wide/thin/chunky/possess out of proportion body parts for the
clothes to suit you. Green isn't your colour either. Lastly, insist that
your hairdresser dye your hair the *exact* same shade as Gillian
Anderson's. When the hairdresser warns you that it won't work on your hair
type/natural colour, insist on it anyway. Your hairdresser turns out to be
right and you spend the next three months wearing hats. 

20) Go to the doctor and demand any of the following : Prozac
(anti-depressant), Xanax (anti-anxiety) or Lithium (mood swings). When the
doctor asks why, tell them the X-Files is off until September. When the
doctor tells you missing the X-Files is not a reason to go on
anti-depressants, cry. When the doctor recommends a long stay at a nice
facility for people with `reality problems', ask if the place has a video
so you can watch your X-Files collection. 

IJMC March 1997 Archives