IJMC Do Not Open Until March 29, 1997

                  IJMC - Do Not Open Until March 29, 1997

Nope, I haven't thought of anything else to say yet, so deal with this 
and I'll be back in about two days...                            -dave

In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get rid of its
intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with the
existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come up
with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC - that is, the
"Politically Correct."


     * "man" pages are now called "person" pages. 

     * Similarly, "hangman" is now the

     * To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat"
       command is now merely "domestic_quadruped." 

     * To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting
       the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no.
       To address this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along
       with a "-f[orce]" option which will crash the entire system if the
       "no" is ignored.
     * The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced
       by the more neutral "gendre" command.
     * The "touch" command has been removed from the standard
       distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
     * "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command.
       Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
       should be archived via "tar" and "feather". 

     * The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the
       Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable "less"
     * The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally
       unfriendly "LaTeX". 


     * To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has
       been renamed "euthanise." 

     * The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to
      give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be
      "nice". In System VI, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged
      users to get for themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones. 
    * "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called

    * "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will
      be strictly enforced. 

   * The "abort()" function is now called "choice()." 


     * From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as
      "exploitive capitalist text". 

     * The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
      will now be known as "spiritual guides." 

     * There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and
      "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable. 

     * Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was
      white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism,
      particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System
      VI now uses "regressive video" to refer to white on black, while
      "progressive video" can be any color at all over a white background. 

     * For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of
      "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the
      users. All system administration functions will be handled by the
      People's Committee for Democratically Organizing the System
     * No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be
      "owned by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decided
      how (or whether) to respond to requests from users. 

     * The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
     * And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" - for Procreatively

IJMC March 1997 Archives