IJMC Do Not Open Until March 23

                     IJMC - Do Not Open Until March 23

  58.You really would have minded if the IJMC had shut down for a few 
days while the maintainer took a vacation.                      -dave

You may be addicted to the internet when...

  1.You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.

  2.You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

  3.Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

  4.Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

  5.You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

  6.You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone

  7.You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular
modem and a laptop.

  8.You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and
your child in the overhead compartment.

 9.All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection
to the net: 56KPS...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

 10.And even your night dreams are in HTML.

 11.You find yourself typing .COM after every period when using a word

 12.You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.

 13.You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

 14.You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au.

 15.Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had
heart problems before.

 16.You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
and you don't have a clue when it happened.

 17.You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if
new e-mail arrives.

 18.Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you what
she looks like.

 19.All of your friends have an @ in their names.

 20.When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all
of them are already highlighted in purple.

 21.Your dog has its own home page.

 22.You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
through Lycos.
 23.You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

 24.You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea
where your children are.

 25.You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it

 26.You refer to your age as 3.x.

 27.You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

 28.Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

 29.Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your
favorite IRC channel.

 30.You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

 31.You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

 32.You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

 33.You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

 34.Your husband tells you he's had the beard for two months.

 35.You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
from Apogee.

 36.You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

 37.You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.

 38.You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you

 39.You tell the cab driver you live at

 40.You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

 41.You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got
work to do!" and you don't even have a job.

 42.Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
IRC channel.

 43.You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

 44.Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

 45.You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines

 46.You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01
or higher."

 47.You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.

 48.The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

 49.You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.

 50.You forget what year it is.

 51.You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

 52.You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

 53.You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it 
sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for Surfing the Net. 

 54.You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to
call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

 55.You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

 56.Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy
another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you
can chat.

 57.As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your
first instinct is to search for the BACK button.

IJMC March 1997 Archives