IJMC - Jack Handey, Eat Your Heart Out
I don't even want to know where they came up with some of these. I just
want to know where I can find two bottles of vodka, some frozen peas, and
a tape recorder at this time of night...
Anyway, I'm in a good mood tonight as the web server's been doing what I
want it to do. There are now two search engines online, ht://Dig and
Glimpse so that you can find old IJMC's by keyword(s). And I've opened up
the archives so that you can also browse through the past posts which are
organized by date. So visit the web site at http://www.ijmc.com/ and
enjoy. It's starting to shape up nicely... -dave
Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
J B Cartland Brighton
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens Birmingham
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Sam Neffendorf Weybridge
A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest
makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at
cocktail parties.
L Traintu Clarkesville
Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It
gives any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'.
James Francis East Glamorgan Hospital
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them
to wrap it.
D. Treloar Wandsworth
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson Skipton
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey Liverpool
Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes Middlesex
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY Lincoln
Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or
5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this
will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson Manchester
Dont waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger Fulchester
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt Birmingham
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe 662 Squadron. Germany
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you
park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic
buckets.
D. Griffiths Kent
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking
gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire
to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn Rotherham
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex
without waking her up.
Frank Wilson Southend
Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Daphnie Treloar Cardiff
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because
you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style,
and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
D Thresher Wapping
Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips
from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
B Reastford Iranville, Notts
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner
Someone Somewhere
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the
escaping gas.
N. Burke Manchester
As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell
gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such
emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby Rugby
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a
large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the
road.
D. Rogers Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East
country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice
to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs
start going off and there aren't any planes home.
S Goblin Middlesex
Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head
stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
Kate Emblen Uxbridge
Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead
of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.
M Burridge Newcastle
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P Raker Chatham
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn
around the neck.
B Morgan Criccieth
Dont buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham Didford
Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly Warstead
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
P Loft Gateshead
I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The
secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey Essex
Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson York
Werewolf enthusiasts. get that 'wolfy' feeling every night by simply
gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
J. Bradley. Beeston, Notts
|
