IJMC - All I Ever Needed To Know I Learnt From Country Songs

My Life's Been a Mess Ever Since My Baby Stole the IJMC and Then Came 
Back For My Hound Dog.                                          -dave







                WHAT I LEARNT ABOUT LIFE FROM COUNTRY SONGS

                                    by
                                Red R. Neck


HOW TO GET A WIFE

She Used Her Wrecker and Her Bass Boat To Get Me On Her Hook
She Done the Fiddlin, I Got the Bill
She Sank Her Claws and Jaws In My Jelly Belly of Love
Too Many Beers In the Back Of My Car Is What Got Me In Front Of the Preacher
She Had Super Glue In Her Naval, and She Stuck Me For Good
She Kept Dealing Me a Full House, Until I Ended Up Living There
When She Put the Ring On My Finger, All I Knew Was a Ringing In My Ears


COOKING AND CLEANING AROUND THE HOUSE

She Was the Bread Of My Life When She Took My Dough
Don't Take Your Love Out and Throw the Garbage On Me
She Done Burned the Grits On My Stove of Love
I Got Fillet Migon Tastes and a Cheeseburger Wife
The Only Ring Left In Our Marriage Is In the Bathtub You Don't Clean
I Fell In the Commode of Love, and You Keep Pullin the Handle


FAMILY VALUES

If His Love Was Dynamite, I Couldn't Blow My Nose
She's Always Got a Stand Up Argument, Even When She Lies
I Can't Win Them All, But I'd Sure Like to Lose You
I Mooned Your Ex Honey On Our Honeymoon
If Silence Was Golden, My Wife Couldn't Buy Squat
She Says I Got a Seven-hundred-dollar Stetson and a Ten-cent Brain
If You Don't Know I'm Here, How You Gonna Know I'm Gone?
She Told Me I Ain't Slow or Fast, I'm a Half Fast Kind of Guy

HOW TO HAVE FUN WITH YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY

I'm Gonna Scrunge Me Up Some Low Down Blues On My Monkey Ward Guitar
We Best Stop and Push the Bed Back Up Against the Wall
You Know When You Wear That Bolo I Get Feathers In My Teeth
I Like To Feel Her Dangerous Curves, When We Slow Dance In the Dark
I Know My Gibson Ain't Off Key, Cause the Factory Tuned It Good
Let's Let the Kids Play In the Pool, While We Skinny Dip In Bed


THINGS TO DO ON BOWLING NIGHT


You Bite My Ugly Wife Every Time You Kiss Me
I'd Like to Kiss You All Over, You Gonna Go Wash?
What Part of 'Yes' Don't You Understand?
I'm On a Runaway Rolly Coaster, and You Won't Give Me a Brake
I Hope the Bumblebee of Life Flies Up Your No's
I Couldn't Get Your Body Off My Mind
Drunk Again On T Bird On the Floor of My T Bird Coupe
You Can't Be An Angel, Your Boobs Are Much Too Big
I'm So Thirsty For Her Kisses, I'm Gonna Have To Drink Another Beer
I Got a Phonographic Memory and She's Playin All My Tunes


WHAT THE WIFE DOES ON MY BOWLING NIGHT. . .

And what I say to her:

If Cheatin Earned You Dollars, You'd Be a Millionaire
'No' Ain't In Your Dictionary of Love
I'm Going To Tie a Big 'Not' In Your Devil Tail
You Was Comin On To Him When You Should Have Been Comin Home
You Took a Nine-pound Sledge And Busted Up My Heart Real Bad
My Heart's a Big Screen TV and You Got the Darn Remote

What She says to me (it's an act):

I'm Puttin the Fire In Your Gut Out With My Tears

What she says to him . . .

You Cut Me Deep With Your Wife
My Husband's In the Saddle, But There's Blisters On His Mind


RELIGION IN OUR HOUSE

Would Jesus Do the Macarena In Yankee Stadium?
When I Kneel Down To Pray, My Knee Cracks Turn On the Clap Lamp
Could Jesus Play today in the N-H-L
Lord, Let Me Spit My Gum In Shania's Belly Button
Did Jesus Ever Sing Out of Tune, Off Key, Really Bad?


BOWLING NIGHT AND RELIGION

If Forgettin Her Would Save My Soul, I'd Land In Hell For Sure
I'd Like To Get Sinfully Guilty Over You
I'm Damned If I Do and Dammed If You Don't
I'm Confessing I Don't Want to Get You Off My Chest


HELPFUL FAMILY HINTS

Your Spiked Doggy Collar Don't Look So Good With That Dress
Your Hair Smells Like Perfume But Your Breath Smells Like Puke
This Bed Ain't No Hot Tub You Can Just Jump In When You Please
When My Wife Gets Horny, She Plays the Whole Brass Band


MAINTAINING GOOD HEALTH

When You Said You Didn't Love Me You Infarcted Me Right In the Heart
Momma's Got the Red Nose Blews
She Puts Mustard On Her Moon Pies and Mayo On Her Face at Night
If You Love Me Pick the Lice Out Of My Hair
I'd Rather Have Heartburn Than a Heartache Over You
My Wife's Got the Liposuction Blues


WHEN BOWLING NIGHT FALLS ON THE WEEKEND

Wanna Fall In Love Just For the Weekend?
When I Sobered Up, She Was Uglier'n Saturday Night Sin On Sunday Morning


GETTING ALONG WITH THE INLAWS AND THE NEIGHBORS

Your Kid Just Spit Tobaccy Juice On My Brand New Cowboy Boots
Your Momma's Got Nicotine Stains On Her Teeth and Bourbon On Her Breath
Your Brother's Windshield Was the Only Thing That Ever Went Through His Mind
Getchur Tears Outta My Beer and Your Hands Off My Wife


WHEN MY BOWLING SCORE'S LOWER THAN MY IQ

I Ain't Leavin Lovin Leavin a Lovin You
She Used Me Like a Subway Token When We Rode the Train of Love
How Can I Get Over You When I Got a Rocky Mountain Mind?
Because Her Picture's At the Bottom of Every Glass
I'm Hangin By My Fingernails, And I Ain't Over You
You Busted My Heart In More Pieces Than a Backboard Breaks From a Shack
Slam Dunk
She's Smoked Her Last Cigar In My Waterbed
I'm Just Another Cowboy On Your Short Rope Of Love