IJMC - Calling Dr. Doctor

A little drier than most, the topic is quite interesting. A study of 
doctor's names in the U.S. and a few breakdowns of specific names. 
However, he did forget "Dr. Babe". Oh well, probably would have created a 
little too much business for the poor doctor if he had...           -dave






                         Calling Dr Doctor

 A few months ago, I read a funny article about people who take poetic
 license with their use of the title "Doctor". In his travels through
 the phone book, the author found not only a "Pet Doktor" and a "Bike
 Doctor," but he also discovered someone who billed himself as "The
 Rug Doctor."

 After reading this article, I began thinking about the humorous
 implications of people's names. For example, although Joseph Heller
 created a fictional character named Major Major in his novel
 Catch-22, there actually are physicians in this country named Doctor
 (18 to be exact). Realizing that this was probably just the tip of
 the iceberg, I decided to find out how far this Dr Doctor thing might
 go. So, with pen in hand, I spent a weekend flipping through the 1990
 edition of the American Medical Directory of Physicians in the United
 States.

 The first thing I learned during my research is that there are a lot
 of doctors in this country. Although I did not get page turner's
 tendonitis, I did need a stiff drink by the time I reached the Z's. I
 also learned that doctors' names often bear an interesting
 relationship to what they do for a living.

 There are 22 doctors in the United States named Needle, Probe, Lance,
 and Ligate. Not to be outdone by such simple procedures, there are
 another 20 named Drill, Scope, Bolt, and Pin. I couldn't find anyone
 named Cut or Clamp, but there are three doctors named Drain.

 Many doctors have names that are more generic and, I might add, quite
 appealing from the patient's point of view. I found 19 physicians
 named Fix, Cure, or Heal. If any of them formed a group with those
 named Brilliant (6), Able (6), or Best (62), there's no telling how
 popular their practice might be. It goes without saying that they
 would have a clear advantage over the 9 doctors named Klutz, Croak,
 Blunt, and Blewitt.

 Doctors' names often say a lot about the type of medicine they
 practice. I found a dermatologist named Rash, a rheumatologist named
 Knee, and an orthopedic surgeon named Bone. My favorites, however,
 were a psychiatrist named Couch and an anesthesiologist named Gass.
 Nevertheless, a doctor's name does not always correspond with his or
 her specialty. There are 10 doctors named Blood, but none of them are
 hematologists. Similarly, of 11 doctors named Dust, Mold, and Pollen,
 none are allergists. I also discovered a handful of doctors named Eye
 (3), Nose (2), Tongue (2), Kidney (1), Stool (4), and Surgeon (1),
 none of whom work in the area suggested by their name. The best in
 this category belong to Drs Briss (1) and Stream (4), who, I'm sorry
 to say, are not urologists.

 Sometimes a doctor's initials can be more revealing than his name. I
 found an obstetrician with the initials R.O.A., a cardiologist with
 the initials E.C.G., and a neurologist with the initials C.N.S. There
 is also a surgeon out there who can sign his orders N.P.O. On the
 other hand, there are no internists with the initials F.U.O, and I
 couldn't find anyone, not even a pathologist, with the initials
 Q.N.S.

 Given my affiliation with a medical center, I was interested in those
 names that had an academic ring to them. Although I didn't find
 anyone named Publish, there is a physician in this country named
 Perish. This is fitting, I suppose, because I couldn't find anyone
 named Tenure either. I did find lots of Grants, however, something my
 colleagues say are in short supply these days. I also found 3 Deans,
 1 Teacher, and 48 doctors named Pearl. Given that medical students
 often complain about their preceptors, the abundance of Pearls seems
 to balance out the 20 doctors named Bicker, Gripe, Fuss, and Grill.

 Some doctors have names that might create a little confusion in the
 places where they work. Imagine what people think when an operator
 pages Dr Page (140) or when the ER puts in a stat call for Dr Stat
 (1). How would patients react if they shout "Nurse!" and Dr Nurse (3)
 is the one who shows up as they're fumbling with their bedpan? Other
 names that probably raise a few eyebrows from time to time include
 the 65 doctors named Flesh, Gore, Ache, and Looney. Finally, should
 you develop chest pain in the middle of the night, whom would you
 rather meet in the emergency room, Dr Code (5) or Dr Crump (29)?

 It was amusing to note what would happen if particular doctors got
 together either as coauthors on a paper or as colleagues in an
 office. Possible combinations include Vital (2) and Signs (1) and
 Brain (1) and Stem (5), as well as the more interesting Laurel and
 Hardy (4) and Abbott and Costello (46). I also found 61 doctors named
 Marx, though I couldn't determine if any of them are brothers.

 The next time you send in a check to cover your escalating
 malpractice insurance, consider the irony in this: There are 43
 doctors in the United States named Judge or Jury. I couldn't find any
 Attorneys.