IJMC - How to Make SPAM like a Pro.

Ok, regular readers, you know how often I warn you about a message sent 
on the IJMC. This is one of those rare times. If you've eaten recently, 
have back problems, or are pregnant do not read on. If you _actually_ 
like SPAM, don't read on. If you think SPAM is only an unsolicited mass 
e-mail, read on, you deserve it. Anyone left? Ok, read on, but don't say 
I didn't warn you...                                               -dave







		How to Make SPAM like a Pro.

   Hi kids! I'm Copious Barfon, the leading chef for iffy recipes in the US,
and today I'm going to show you how to make a *jumbo size pack of Spam (TM)*,
one that's so BIG you will have enough for you and ALL your friends!  But
watch out, I can't guarantee they'll still be friends after they've tried it.
        (Note : I had to change the ingredients slightly to keep animal rights
                groups from suing me.)

Ingredients:
*One cow*
        (a terminally depressed, suicidal cow that has no desire whatever
        to live anymore and is quite happy to sacrifice its life to be an
        ingredient in suspect cuisine)
*One pig*
        (with a similar outlook on life to the cow)

A ten kilo slice of whale blubber
A large pot of moisturiser
A can of petrol

Utensils :
A cement mixer
A clothes peg
Two hand guns

Directions:
   Put the peg on your nose and mix the petrol up with the whale blubber.
Feed the pig half of this mixture, the cow the other half.  Pigs will
eat anything, but the cow may need some persuasion even if it's suicidal.
   If all else fails, hold its nose until it moos in protest and shove it all
in quickly.  Give the cow a pat on the back, but don't let it give you one.
  Allow the animals a few hours to digest it, then take their last wills and
testaments before providing each one with a hand gun.
  After they shoot themselves, and you have stood for a minutes respectful
silence, carve the animals up into three piles.  Pile A for the bones,
brains and balls, Pile B for the fat, Pile C for the best cuts.
  Throw Pile C away, you won't need it.  Keep Pile B for when you next visit
Burger King; they need all the fat they can get for their Bacon Double
Cheesburgers.  Place Pile A in the cement mixer, and turn it on.  After
an hour it should start to resemble spam.  Taste it, and you'll tell by
that feeling of faint nausea, that this is indeed Spam.  But it is not yet
spreadable!  So Add the moisturiser until it is.
  And there you have it!

In my next recipe, Copious Barfon will be showing you how to make a cheap
capucino from mud, flem and flaked weasels droppings.
Till then, happy eating!