IJMC Top 15 Suprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

        IJMC - Top 15 Suprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

Well, we have to thank our friends at Ziff-Davis for this bit of 
nonsense. Fortunately, in about five weeks, all this renewed Star Wars 
hoopla should be over. Granted, by then, I'll have seen all three again 
in the theater, but hey, I paid less than $1 to see the first one, and 
with luck, will pay less than that for the next two!              -dave

   The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick

14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene
    Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing

13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the
    knee with a light saber.

12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use
    the Fifth, Luke."

11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza
    the Hut.

10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

 9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny
    brass ass.

 8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.

 7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has
    to pee.

 6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"

 5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his

 4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special

 3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red

 2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?  Richard Jewell.

    and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...

 1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene
    none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

   [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
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