IJMC How I Met My Wife

                      IJMC - How I Met My Wife

Ahh, a wonderful piece from the "New Yorker" a few years back. I hope no 
one minds my re-broadcasting it...as someone sent it to me and I am doing 
the same for your enjoyment. I must say, the English language is a 
strange one.                                                        -dave


by Jack Winter
New Yorker 25 July 1994

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very 
chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her 
standing alone in a corner.  She was a descript person, a woman in a 
state of total array.  Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and 
she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to makes bones 
about it since I was traveling cognito.  Beknownst to me, the hostess, 
whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be 
skin off my nose if anything bad happened.  And even though I had only 
swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable.  Only toward 
and heard-of behavior would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause 
was evitable.  There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone 
as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung 
hero were slim.  I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you 
could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it.  But then, all at once, for some apparent 
reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make 
heads and tails of.

I was plussed.  It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it 
nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen.  
Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt 
capacitated -- as if this were something I was great shakes at -- and 
forgot that that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told 
number of times.  So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated 
gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to 
prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous.  Wanting to make only called for 
remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her 
of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about 

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory 
character who was up to some good.  She told me who she was.  "What a 
perfect nomer," I said, advertently.  The conversation became more and 
more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail.  But I was 
defatigable, so I had to take my leave at a godly hour.  I asked if she 
wanted to come with me.  To my delight, she was committal.  We left the 
party together and have been together ever since.  I have given her my 
love, and she has requited it.


IJMC February 1997 Archives