IJMC - ...But the Fire Is So Delightful.

Except for when it's coming from your brakes. But that's another story. 
Everyone, have a great New Year and here's to a grand 1998!       -dave









In line with the recent trend towards legislation that requires the
prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards tothe 
general public, I believe the following product warnings should be
included in all Product Manuals worldwide.
 
 
--Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
 
--Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force 
Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to 
the Distance Between Them.
 
--Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
 
--Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically 
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million 
Miles per Hour.
 
--Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is 
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely 
Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.
 
--Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through 
a Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear 
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the 
Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile.  The Manufacturer Will Not 
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
 
--Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting 
This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred
Million Years.
 
--This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This 
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic 
Explosion Will Result.
 
--Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any
Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. 
 Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That 
This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
 
--Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together 
by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose 
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
 
--Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, 
the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
 
--New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically 
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.  However, the 
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond 
Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New 
Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They Cannot Be 
Detected.
 
--Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the 
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist 
or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
 
--Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, 
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every 
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other manufacturers, 
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
 
--Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since 
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to 
the User.
 
--Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, 
Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an 
Infinitesimally Small Space.  Should Another Universe Subsequently 
Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot be 
Guaranteed.