IJMC - Dear Santa, Love Barbie

As if Barbie hasn't had enough press lately, the IJMC will even take 
another turn with her. I find the timing appropriate, as it seems I ought 
to say hello to certain, "Meet Your Aggressor: Feminism" class in New 
York City. Hello!                                                   -dave







 Dear Santa

 Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
 playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
 suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
 tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY
 PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be some changes around here this
 Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me,
 you won't wanna be around to smell it).

 So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
 sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller
 are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it
 feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably
 white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
 imitation underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

 3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
 that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken.  And what's with that
 earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make
 him (and me) anatomically correct.

 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
 away once he is anatomically correct.

 5. Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to
 twist, just get it done.

 6. A jog bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

 7. A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
 it. How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising
 account exec!

 8. A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
 miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
 a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun,
 outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
 Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
 several packs of gum.

 9. No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my
 vinyl.

 10. Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

 OK, Santa, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to
 society, I don't think these requests are out of line.  If you
 disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
 Christmas.  It's that simple.

 Yours truly,

 Barbie