IJMC - Darwin Strikes Again
Don't forget to stay tuned to the IJMC for late-breaking news on the
internationally known Darwin Awards. We think tonight's is a good
candidate for the year's award but who knows, Darwin Strikes Back or the
Return of the Yeti could still appear. Now ducking various flying fruit,
your's truly will step aside and let you ponder these two. -dave
Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the
deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at
the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead
at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in the pickup
that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was
found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a
branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were
in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery
of the heretofore unexplained scene. According to
Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, uhlenake and Young had tried to
get tickets for the sold-out concert.
When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in
the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed
18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling
the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and
They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and
decided hat Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They
had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the
parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young,
who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over
the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a
large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately,
he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch.
Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself
and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to
cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit
of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of
The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them
caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing
squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself.
The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and
stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.
Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit
of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in
He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up
and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was
outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state
he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately,
because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than
drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was
thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.
"So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top
of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.