IJMC - Darwin Strikes Again

Don't forget to stay tuned to the IJMC for late-breaking news on the 
internationally known Darwin Awards. We think tonight's is a good 
candidate for the year's award but who knows, Darwin Strikes Back or the 
Return of the Yeti could still appear. Now ducking various flying fruit, 
your's truly will step aside and let you ponder these two.         -dave






 Subject:Darwin Award
 
 Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the
 deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at
 the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead
 at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in the pickup
 that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop.  Young was
 found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a
 branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were
 in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery
 of the heretofore unexplained scene. According to
 Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, uhlenake and Young had tried to
 get tickets for the sold-out concert.
 When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in
 the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed
 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling
 the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and
 sneak in.
 
 They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and
 decided hat Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They
 had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the
 parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young,
 who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over
 the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a
 large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately,
 he also managed to get his shorts caught  on the branch.
 
 Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself
 and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to
 cut  his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit
 of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of
 the knife.
 
 The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them
 caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing
 squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself.
 
 The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and
 stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.
 Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit
 of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in
 trouble.
 
 He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up
 and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was
 outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state
 he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately,
 because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than
 drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was
 thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.

 "So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top
 of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.