IJMC - Star Date Win95?

You ever have one of those days? I really believe your highs equal your 
lows, just today they all came at once. Oh well, life goes on regardless, 
and I'm going on to try to lose a little tension through the generous 
application of hot water. Maybe tomorrow will be normal.            -dave






What if Data (from Star Trek TNG) were Windows 95 compatible?

    WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships
          uncloaking dead ahead.

  PICARD: On screen.

          [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of
          horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]

  PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

    DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have
          sufficient video memory to display an image of this size.
          May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

  PICARD: Make it so.

          [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with
          big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the
          center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which
          actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]

  PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

    DATA: Aye, sir.

          [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him,
          turns it over, and places it on the console in front of
          him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits
          motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms
          from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]

    WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

  PICARD: Shields up!

    DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to
          complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait
          until I have finished before you issue your next
          command.

  PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is
          *important*! I want those shields up *right now*.

    DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to
          complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait
          until I have finished before you issue your next
          command.

 LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data]
          Control-alt-delete, Data.

          [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and
          returns it to the floor.]

    DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails.
          Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my
          left ear to close this communications channel which is
          not responding. You will lose any information sent by
          the Romulans.

          [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

  PICARD: Shields...

          [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes
          violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the
          floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's
          station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from
          the console.]

  PICARD: Up, Data!

    DATA: Aye, sir.

   RIKER: All decks, damage report!

    WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to
          be unconscious.

          [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his
          console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a
          few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]

    DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

  PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all
          phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

    WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons
          console.]

  PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for
          evasive action.

    DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper
          device driver installed for that console.

  PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

    DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
          nostril.

  PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup
          implants?

   RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

 LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you
          still had them!

  PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in
          your internal memory?

    DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in
          my right nostril.

  PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.

    DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

  PICARD: Abort!

    DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

  PICARD: Well, fail, then!

    DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

          [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several
          buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan
          warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen,
          and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from
          somewhere else in the ship.]

 LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

  PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service
          number for Data?

   RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got
          put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to
          anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about
          androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial
          control robots.

          [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes
          blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on
          whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red
          emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the
          console, absolutely motionless.]

  PICARD: What's going on?

 LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data
          has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp
          engine core.

  PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't
          really do anything with them.

          [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six
          Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A
          seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]

 FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a
          Macintosh, Captain?


from http://www.mydesktop.com/fun/