IJMC - Rita Rudner's "Guy Guide"

Today just kinda sucked so far. I'm hoping that it gets better as soon as 
I walk out that door. To tide you over for the weekend (no IJMC tomorrow 
night...but watch the "Pretender" on NBC) here's Rita Rudner on guys. You 
may well have seen it, it's crossed my edesk a few times in the past two 
months...ah well.                                                   -dave





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Rita Rudner's "Guy Guide" Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men:

1. Men like to barbecue.  Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.  They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.  Most
of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
usually cancels out the nice of "bald."

5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.  In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

6. Men are very confident people.  My husband is so confident that when
he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he
can help his team.  If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players
from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get
off the phone in case they call him.

7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
play-off season.

8. Men like phones with lots of buttons.  It makes them feel
important.

9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning.  Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyches.


10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can
ever care about anyone else.

12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public.  They can
learn in private; in public they have to know.

13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.  I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.

15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.  These men
usually have jobs and bathe.

16. Men love watches with multiple functions.  My husband has one that
is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General
Schwarzkopf.

18. Men are sensitive in strange ways.  If a man has built a fire and
the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to
get a bikini wax.

20. All men think that they're nice guys.  Some of them are not.
Contact me for a list of names.

21. Men don't get cellulite.  God might just be a man.

22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.  Women have two
types:  depressing and more depressing.  Men have two types: nerdy and
not nerdy.

23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes
out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man.  Men are like
portable heaters that snore.

24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men.  I've never seen
a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me
out of here.  There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

25. Most men hate to shop.  That's why the men's department is usually
on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or
more types of lettuce, he is serious.

27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in
for a nasty surprise.  The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on
cocoons and butterflies.

28. Men own basketball teams.  Every year cheerleaders' outfits get
tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

29. No man is charming all of the time.  Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.

33. Men are less sentimental than women.  No man has ever seen the
movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love?  Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?"  Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win?
How's my car?"

35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die.  He just didn't
want to call you.

36. Men hate to lose.  I once beat my husband at tennis.  I asked him,
"Are we going to have sex again?"  He said, "Yes, but not with each
other."

37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it
out of sight of women.

38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem.
"Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a
challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love
you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children."  Sometimes
they leave skid marks.

39. Men accept compliments much better than women do.  Example: "Mitch,
you look great."  Mitch: "Thanks."  On the other side: "Ruth, you look
great." Ruth:  "I do?  Must be the lighting."

40. Impulse buying is not macho.  Men rarely call the Home Shopping
Network.

41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is
for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do
because their clothes all button and zip in the front.  Women's dresses
usually button and zip in the back.  We need men emotionally and
sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
superheros.  Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.

45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight,
she will assume she has gained weight.  When a man tries something from
his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.  With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes.  Male menopause -
you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.

48. That's why men need instant replays in sports.  They've already
forgotten what happened.

49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

50. All men would still really like to own a train set.