IJMC - Doctors
To anyone who noticed the IJMC was missing for a day (ok, so I sent out
an extra post to make up for it, it was still 2 at once...) I'm back. My
computer now has a split personality; press a switch and Win95 comes up,
press the switch again and good ole DOS returns. Gotta love technology.
Of course, it took a few days to do so the IJMC slacked off. Aaaaand,
I'll be away from the computer (got to have a life sometime!) this
weekend, so don't expect a posting on Saturday night (Atlanta, GA, USA
date/time...). Lastly, if you saw the eclipse tonight, I'm jealous. The
Atlanta skyline was coated in clouds. -dave
4 The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while
nature cures the disease.
5 God heals, and the doctor takes the fee.
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
7 A doctor is nothing more than a mental consolation.
Petronius Arbiter (d. 66 A.D.)
10 I love doctors and hate their medicine.
Walt Whitman (1819-1892)
11 There are some remedies worse than the disease.
Publilius Syrus (fl. B.C. 42)
12 Physicians, of all men, are most happy:
whatever good success they have, the world proclaimeth
and what faults they commit, the earth covereth.
Francis Quarles (1592-1644)
Hieroglyphics of the Life of Man
23 I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye
niver can read his purscription.
Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)
Mister Dooley Says
26 Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're
Samuel N. Behrman (1893-1973)
30 The ideal doctor is patient.
Robert Haven Schauffler (b. 1879)
31 The custom of giving patients appointments weeks in advance,
during which time their illness may become seriously
aggravated, seems to me to fall short of the ideal doctor-
James Howard Means (1885-1967)
38 I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not
die of old age.
42 English physicians kill you, the French let you die.
Charles Lamb (1775-1834)
43 A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only
advise his client to plant vines.
Frank Lloyd Wright (1869-1959)
44 The common people say, that physicians are the class of
people who kill other men in the most polite and courteous
John of Salisbury (d. 1180)
Philemon (B.C. 361-262)
55 The mark of a true doctor is usually illegible.
56 Half of analysis is anal.
Quoted in: 1,911 Best Things Anybody Ever Said, R. Byrne
58 It might be said of psychoanalysis that if you give it your
little finger, it will soon have your whole hand.
Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)
Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis
62 If a patient is poor he is committed to a public hospital as
a "psychotic." If he can afford a sanitarium, the diagnosis
is "neurasthenia." If he is wealthy enough to be in his own
home under the constant watch of nurses and physicians, he
is simply "an indisposed eccentric."
Pierre Janet (1859-1947)
The Wit of Medicine (ed. L. and M. Cowan)
67 I have made many mistakes myself; in learning the anatomy of
the eye I dare say, I have spoiled a hatful; the best
surgeon, like the best general, is he who makes the fewest
Astley Paston Cooper (1768-1841)
Lectures on Surgery
73 But nothing is more estimable than a physician who, having
studied nature from his youth, knows the properties of the
human body, the diseases which assail it, the remedies which
will benefit it, exercises his art with caution, and pays
equal attention to the rich and the poor.
A Philosophical Dictionary
83 He's the best physician that knows the worthlessness of most
Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
84 Time is the best medicine.
88 The best doctor in the world is a veterinarian. He can't
ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to just know.
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
The Autobiography of Will Rogers, 1949
90 Physicians mend or end us;
but though in health we sneer;
when sick we call them to attend us,
without the least propensity to jeer.
91 Doctors are men who prescribe medicines
of which they know little,
to cure diseases of which they know less,
in humans beings of whom they no nothing.
92 Nearly all men die of their medicines, and not of their
Le Malade imaginaire
94 Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window,
except that the birds might eat them.
Martin Henry Fischer (b. 1879)
95 For every disease that doctors cure with medicine, they
produce ten in healthy people by inoculating them with that
virus which is a thousand times more powerful than any
microbe: the idea that one is ill.
Marcel Proust (1871-1922)
96 When I take up assassination, I shall start with the
surgeons in this city and work UP to the gutter.
Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)
The Doctor and the Devils
102 The doctors says there is no hope, and as he does the
killing he ought to know.
Gaspar Zavala y Zamora (d. 1813)
El triunjo del Amor y de la Amistad
108 He that sinneth before his Maker, let him fall into the hand
of the physician.
Ecclesiasticus (B.C. 200?)
123 The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet
and Doctor Merryman.
Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)
124 Joy and Temperance and Repose
Slam the door on the doctor's nose.
Friedrich von Logau (1604-1655)
Die Beste Arznei
132 Keep away from physicians. It is all probing and guessing
and pretending with them. They leave it to Nature to cure
in her own time, but take the credit. As well as very fat
Nothing Like the Sun
135 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck (b. 1927)
138 Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is
that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and
151 The pen is mightier that the sword! The case for
prescriptions rather than surgery.
Quoted in: Peter's Quotations, Ideas for Our Time
154 Those in the United States who, by and large, have the best
medical care and advice readily available to them at the
least expense are the families of the specialists in
internal medicine. These families use less medicine and
undergo less surgery on the whole than any other group, rich
Edward C. Lambert
Quoted in: Barnes & Noble Book of Quotations
7. Poetry & Prose
156 The surest road to health, say what they will,
Is never to suppose we shall be ill; -
Most of those evils we poor mortals know,
From doctors and imagination flow.
Charles Churchill (1731-1764)
157 When people's ill, they come to I,
I Physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em;
Sometimes they live, sometimes they die.
What's that to I? I lets 'em.
John C. Lettsom
Quoted in: Say it Again, edited by Dorothy Uris
158 One doctor, singly like the sculler plies,
The patient struggles, and by inches dies;
But two physicians, like a pair of oars,
Waft him right swiftly to the Stygian shores
Sir Samuel Garth (1661-1719)
171 They answered, as they took their fees,
"There is no cure for this disease."
Hilaire Belloc (1870-1953)
172 "Is there no hope?" the sick man said.
The silent doctor shook his head.
And took his leave with signs of sorrow,
Despairing of his fee tomorrow.
John Gay (1688-1732)
Fables I: "The Sick Man and the Angel"
177 The doctor found, when she was dead,
Her last disorder mortal.
8. Jokes & Humor
183 Patient: How do my X-rays look Doctor?
Doctor: Well I just talked to my accountant and it looks
like you're going to need surgery.
184 All them surgeons - they're highway robbers. Why do you
think they wear masks when they work on you?
All in the Family
185 Our doctor would never really operate unless it was
necessary. He was just that way. If he didn't need the
money, he wouldn't lay a hand on you.
Herb Shriner (1918-1970)
188 A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the
Quoted in: Peter's Quotations, ed. by Laurence J. Peter
190 I think I know why doctors call it your annual checkup.
Each year what goes up is your check.
193 Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It depends on whether or not the bulb has health
194 We're living in an age of medical specialists. Nowadays
what four out of five doctors recommend is another doctor.
196 Exhausted by long, tense months of work, the doctor
decides to unwind by going on a safari. When he returns,
his nurse asks him how he enjoyed himself.
"It was terrible," he said, "I didn't kill a thing.
Frankly, I'd have been better off staying here."
201 Dr. Rush, the pediatrician, was a man known to have very
205 Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Erma Bombeck (b. 1927)
213 A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive
questions your wife asks for nothing.
Franklin P. Adams (1881-1960)
215 You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked
and keep going until you're completely broke.
216 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head
Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)
The Great Goldwyn
221 A job - weary woman on vacation sent her psychotherapist
a card. She wrote, "Having wonderful time - wish you were
here to tell me why."
223 Did you hear what the white rat said to the other
white rat? . . . I've got that psychologist so well
trained that every time I ring the bell he brings
me something to eat.
A Suitable Case for Treatment, BBC TV, 1962
232 Q: Know why the prettiest nurse at the hospital is known as
A: Only the doctors are allowed to take her out.