IJMC - On a Mission From God

I generally hate these types, but there are a few good ones. This story 
makes this guy one of the good ones, or at least, I want him on my side!
                                                     -dave
P.S. Correction on the name of the woman on this coming Friday's X-Files, 
it is "Bambi" and not "Barbie" as I quoted last night. Oops.







A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was
younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70
Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile,
male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed
engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat
up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I
accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this asshole, overaerobicized
woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in
my window, "Hey, slow down you fucking idiot." I'm a well-bred,
mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells,
"asshole" at me again. Twice? Fuck that. I turn around and drive up
next to her.

       "Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

       "I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly."

"You were speeding. I watched you."

       "You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the
interrogator, I am.)

"I heard you."

       "So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

      "How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll
wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to
tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I
accelerated to an indicated 33 mph  (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a
collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

       She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for
them." I give the paperwork to the cop.

       She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What
about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little
overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

       "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, "I told the
cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

       Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out
any tickets to this asshole?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left
the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to
Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This
woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable
offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

       "Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop
me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry
v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed,
she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand
her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I
want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct
on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant,  and after the cop told the story, he
authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth
a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate
insurance surcharge!

Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on
her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yea, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.