IJMC - Some Stuff

This is something, I'll read it when my copy gets to me in the morning. 
So if it sucks, well, don't tell me, I'll have found out on my own.  
								  -dave





"I Am My Own Best Casual Acquaintance and Other Cosmic Half-firmations"


My personal happiness depends on the suffering of others.  

What gifts am I receiving from the universe today?  And what if they don't
fit or they aren't my color?  

Today I will rely on the language of love and understanding.  If that doesn't
work, I'll go back to intimidation and fear.  

I will strive to be godlike.  I will start by condemning my enemies to an
eternal hell.   

I listen to my body.  It is saying, "Two twinkies and an RC cola please." 

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.  

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting
parts.  

I am at one with my duality.  

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.  

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.  

As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my
Inner Sociopath.  

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.  

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone
else's fault.  

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.  Unless of course
I want to stay employed.  

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.  

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. 

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgement.  

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.  

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at
all.  

Joan of Arc heard voices too.  

The screen is always darkest before the next program begins.  

I have the choice: to live my life in wellness. . .  or get sick and wallow
in all that attention.  

Hell may be eternally unpleasant, but at least it offers job security.  

Complete honesty in word and deed is a good way to get punched out.  

Today is the last day of your life so far.  

No man is an isthmus.  

There is nothing wrong with me.  Really.  

Coming out of your shell is dangerous.  Ask any clam.  

I would give my right arm to be left-brained.  

Today I will treat myself as I would my best friend--with sarcasm and
neglect.  

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary
fears.  

Does my quiet self-pity get to me?   Yes?   Or should I move up to incessant
nagging?  

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local
laws.  

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter
words than "I told you so."  

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.  

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.  

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. 
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.  

Who can I blame for my own problems?  Give me just a minute...I'll find
someone.  

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?  

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is
working.  

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.  

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step --  blaming
my parents.  

To understand all is to fear all.  
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. 

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home. 

When I dance through life I do the Texas Two-Step.  

My body is a temple.  Do you want to come over for midnight mass?  

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting.  

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.  

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.  

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.  

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in
many ways to keep me quiet.  

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.  But not nearly
as gratifying.  

The first step is to say nice things about myself.  The second, to do nice
things for myself.  The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.