IJMC - Horror Movie Survival Guide

Well, it took til the last day (not counting takedown...) but I finally 
found myself with enough time to access my account. And now I will send 
out today's IJMC, live and direct from the International Development 
Research Council (IDRC) World Congress! Tomorrow night, I get to go home!
(of course, that requires me to sober up enough after tonight...)   -dave




 Horror Movie Survival Guide

1.  When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see
    if it's really dead.
2.  If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was
    once a church that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed
    suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who
    performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house move away
    immediately.
3.  Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4.  Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone
    out.
5.  If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
    they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is
    other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot
    of grief in the long run.
    NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
    prepared.
6.  When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it
    alone.
7.  As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
8.  Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
    tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
9.  If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
    out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value
    your life.*
10. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
11. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
12. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
    reason. Take the hint and stay away.
13. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
    know what you are doing.
14. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
    least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
    despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
    shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
15. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
    behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
    increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
    possible.
16. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
    listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help
    you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small
    town in Maine.
17. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
    deserted-looking house to phone for help.
18. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns,
    hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
    torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased
    companions.
19. Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the
    audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could
    ever hope to be.