IJMC - Horror Movie Survival Guide
Well, it took til the last day (not counting takedown...) but I finally
found myself with enough time to access my account. And now I will send
out today's IJMC, live and direct from the International Development
Research Council (IDRC) World Congress! Tomorrow night, I get to go home!
(of course, that requires me to sober up enough after tonight...) -dave
Horror Movie Survival Guide
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see
if it's really dead.
2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was
once a church that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed
suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who
performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house move away
3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone
5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is
other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot
of grief in the long run.
NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
6. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it
7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
8. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave,
tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
9. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value
10. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
11. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
12. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a
reason. Take the hint and stay away.
13. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
know what you are doing.
14. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
15. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
16. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help
you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small
town in Maine.
17. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
18. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane
torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased
19. Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the
audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could
ever hope to be.