IJMC - Collegiate Application, Part Deux

Many of you may have seen the original one of these and I know it's seen 
its way through the IJMC a long time ago. If you haven't seen it, this 
may not be quite as humorous, but I'll be glad to pass along the original 
upon request. 

Remember that headache I mentioned yesterday? Well, I'm not sure if it's 
actually gone or hiding behind a wall of painkillers, but at least I'm 
not feeling much right now...                                       -dave



     
     I am a static figure, often seen staring at walls and making ice. I 
     have been known to flatulate in train stations on my lunch breaks,
     making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I shout out 
     ethnic slurs to Cuban refugees, I write award-winning PostIt Notes. I 
     manage my hair efficiently. Occasionally, I drink beer for three days 
     in a row.

     I scare women with my sensuous and godlike caps playing. I can pilot 
     automobiles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
     Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes, which is probably why they 
     always taste like shit. I am an expert in Star Trek, a veteran in
     lunch, and a gringo in Peru.

     Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
     defended myself in my backyard from a horde of ferocious dandelions. I 
     play bluegrass records, I was ostracized by the Mets, I am the subject 
     of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension
     bridges in my head. I enjoy urban bus riding. On Wednesdays, after 
     school, I bump into electrical appliances free of charge.

     I am an obtuse artist, concrete 'impressionist', and truthless
     flunkie. Old men worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy 
     evening wear. I don't aspire. I am a private citizen yet I receive
     mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last 
     summer I toured New Jersey. I bowl 200. My daft floral arrangements
     have earned me shame in international botany circles. Children 
     understand me.

     I can hurl myself at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once 
     read the Cliff's Notes to Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
     Copperfield in one day and still had time to revarnish an entire
     dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item 
     in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for my 
     own voyeuristic pleasure. I sleep once a week: when I do sleep, I
     sleep for about five days straight. While on vacation in Canada, I 
     sucessfully negotiated with a group of Canadian Mounties who had
     siezed a small plastic bag from my suitcase. The laws of gravity are 
     starting to apply to me.

     I balance, I heave, I lodge, I frolic, and my bills are unpaid.  And
     to let off steam, I participate in full-contact channel surfing. Years 
     ago I discovered the meaning of Farfegnugen but forgot to write it
     down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a 
     Swanson's TV dinner and a toaster oven.

     I breed prize-winning germs. I have won bullshit in San Juan,
     cliff-diving competitions in my kiddie pool, and spelling bees at my 
     little brother's fifth grade class picnic. I have played Sega, I have 
     performed open-mouth surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

     All this and two years ago I graduated from college Magna Cum Laude.