IJMC 34 Things I Learned From Video Games

                 IJMC - 34 Things I Learned From Video Games

They forgot one (35 things?). Just because you completely blow up 
whatever evil baddy you are fighting, evil can always return with an even 
larger force for you to fight. Also, it's amazing how much time you can 
spend trying to connect to another computer just to play other people...
especially when you never actually manage to connect and play other 
people. I may be looking for a new Internet connection asap. I WANNA KICK 
SOME INTERNET BUTT IN QUAKE!!! Oh well. Time to sleep now. Tomorrow. Yeah 
right.                                                              -dave

     34 things I learned from video games:
     1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
     2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. 
     3. If it moves, KILL IT!
     4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
     5. One lone "good guy" can defeat an indeterminate number of "bad 
          A. "Bad guys" move in predictable patterns.
          B. Except for "bosses," most "bad guys" can be dispatched with one 
          C. You often fare better against a large mob of "bad guys" then
             against a "boss" in one on one combat.
     6. "Bosses" always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their 
        'muscle work'.
     7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it. 
     8. You can smash things and get away with it.
          A. Smashing things doesn't hurt.
          B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
     9. Cybernetics are our friends.
     10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get 
         away with it.
     11. If someone dies, they disappear.
     12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets. 13. All 
         shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
     14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.
     15. If it's on the ground, you should get it.
     16. Repulsive, ugly, cannabalistic, evil beings have just as much
         right to be loved as heroic fighters.
     17. The operation of a weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
     18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
     19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
     20. Death is reversible (but only for you!).
     21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
     22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing
         red or yellow.
     23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky  (a stork?) and are
         completely invincible for a short time.
     24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in
         elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all 
     25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have
         great bodies.
     26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions. 
     27. The enemy always leaves weapons or powerups lying around for no
         reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat 
         them with it.
     28. Shoot everything.  If it blows up or dies, it was evil.  If it
         doesn't, try and pick it up--- it was probably a powerup or bonus.
     29. Carpe diem!  You only live three times!
     30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have acheived a
         near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain 
         number of opponents before they appear in your presence and 
         beat the crap out of you.
     31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
     32. 200 - 1 odds against you is NOT a problem.
     33. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the
         same names.
     34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and
         explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.

IJMC June 1996 Archives