IJMC Monkey Business

			  IJMC - Monkey Business

I think I'm glad that as pets, we have one dog, four fish, and a roommate 
(Not you Tom, you're nobody's pet...yet. :). 200 monkeys sounds like a 
horror, as the following describes. By the way, chocolate covered vanilla 
ice cream is a good way to top off an enjoyable evening. Just thought I'd 
led you all in on that. G'night!                                    -dave

        I like monkeys.

        The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.  I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand.  I decided not to look a
gift horse in the mouth.  I bought 200.  I like monkeys.

        I took my 200 monkeys home.  I have a big car.  I let one drive.  His
name was Sigmund.  He was retarded.  In fact, none of them were really
bright.  They kept punching themselves in their genitals.  I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals.  I stopped laughing.

        I herded them into my room.  They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment.  They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall.  Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

        Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died.  No apparent reason.  They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.  Damn
cheap monkeys.

        I didn't know what to do.  There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.  It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

        I tried to flush one down the toilet.  It didn't work.  It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

        I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals.  That worked
for a while, that is until they began to decompose.  It started to smell
real bad.

        I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't
want to call the plumber.  I was embarrassed.

        I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.  
Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I 
had to change them every 30 seconds.  I also had to eat all the food in 
the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

        I tried burning them.  Little did I know my bed was flammable.  I had
to extinguish the fire.

        Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys
in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.  The odor
wasn't improving.

        I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use
the bathroom.  I severely beat one of my monkeys.  I felt better.

        I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was
not allowed to dispose of charred primates.  I told him that I had a wet
one.  He couldn't take that one either.  I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

        I finally arrived at a solution.  I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't know quite what to say.  They pretended that they like
them, but I could tell they were lying.  Ingrates.  So I punched them in
the genitals.

        I like monkeys.

IJMC June 1996 Archives