IJMC If the IJMC Made Toasters

                    IJMC - If the IJMC Made Toasters

They would normally operate once a night until the toaster decided to go 
on vacation for a week or so. (Hi Mr. Wood, I didn't leave...) Anyway, 
the IJMC is back, and even if we did piss off one parent (wanna bet the 
kid subscribed and the mother found the first post? The one about the 
computer geek's sex fantasy? <grin>) we're still making pretty good toast.
Till tomorrow night...                                               -dave

If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you
control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless
would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their

If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years

If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their
service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the
blueprints for the box would be highly classified government
documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA
could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons
of national security.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in
toast and gives you regular bread.

If Sony made toasters...
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
conveniently attached to a your belt.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece
of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.

If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the
same time.

If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own

If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free
set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.

If the PQ made toasters...
They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of
the appliances.

If PictureTel Made Toasters,...
The toaster would make the bread, slice it to your liking,...
Toast it to your taste perfectly,... in under 20 seconds for the
first slice and less than 5 seconds for each additional slice,...
You would be able to connect to other PictureTel toasters around
the world using our proprietary toaster image storage and
retrival methods,... so that you can get the exact same type of
toast anywhere in the world,... regardless of altitude or
variation of cooking ingredients,...
or you could use the ITU (International Toasting Utensils)
standards and get a reasonable facsimile of your toast from other
ITU standards compliant toasters on the market.
PictureTel Desktop Toasters will continue to provide agressive
pricing and performance of toasting at a distance, with minimal
need for manual control while Room System Toasters will continue
to push leading technologies into the generation ahead with
our "Ease of Use" requirements demanding that users would not
have to actually press any controls to activate the toaster other
than walking in the room,... With our patented "Perceive My
Intentions" and "Do What I Mean" options, sold only with the Room
System Toasters, PictureTel would secure over 70% of the
worldwide Room System Toaster market...
Of course the Room Systems options will include Eggo's, Muffins,
Bagel, Waffle, Pop-Tarts,... while our world toaster cart would
make jams, jellies, butter, and utensils for dining.
And Yes,.. Then the toaster crumbs would be turned into croutons
strung together with a little note at the end saying "Redefining
the Way the World Eats"

IJMC July 1996 Archives