IJMC - SquishTeX
You know, SquishTeX would be interesting to run an IJMC rambling through...I
wonder if anything would come out? Well, for the next week and a few
days, I'm afraid nothing will come out of the IJMC, unless someone wants
to track me down and hand me a cellular capable portable computer? Nope?
Well then, you'll just have to make do with your overflowing mailboxes
without more IJMC to heap on the top! But do not despair, I shall return.
I just gotta get outta this place, ya know? Till next I write... -dave
Is your manuscript 213 words too long with the deadline in 10
minutes? Do the last two citations run over the 10-page limit?
Are your lines already running off the page? Is the move from
5-point to 4-point looking inevitable?
*** NO MORE ***
Now, No-Knuthing Technologies presents SquishTeX, the first
typesetting program with a compression coefficient, $\alpha$,
that allows you to continuously vary the length of your
document from original size to zero without ever violating
journal submission guidelines. If $\alpha = 1$, SquishTeX
performs in the same uncompromising, idyllic fashion as the
As $\alpha$ is decreased towards 0, SquishTeX uses a variety
of proprietary devices to cleverly condense your text.
* Substitution of almost-equivalent citations, but with
shorter names and fewer authors. Elimination of citations of
authors unlikely to be on review boards.
* Elision of unnecessarily pompous literary devices:
adjectives, adverbs and prepositions, for instance.
* Automatic use of thesaurus to find short equivalents of
relativistic -> fast
superlative -> rad
1.56 * 10^37 -> a lot
* Elimination of vowels and consonants that seem
* Wide-scale deletion of mindless drivel.
* Use of the "you can guess the rest" syntactic construct.
Turn a 200 page thesis into an 8 page conference paper ($\alpha
= .04$)! No document is too complex. New users will marvel
at the sophisticated foreign air about their papers!