IJMC The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask

                IJMC - The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask

How to tell if you're about to start dating an E.T. (Emotional Terrorist): 
She asks any one of these on the first date.                         -dave

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
	The five questions are:

	  1 -  "What are you thinking?"
	  2 -  "Do you love me?"
	  3 -  "Do I look fat?"
	  4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 
	  5 -  "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to 
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer 
properly, which is to say dishonestly.  For an example:
1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this question, of 
course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting 
on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful 
woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." 

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what 
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of 
five things:

 a -  Baseball
 b -  Football
 c -  How fat you are.
 d -  How much prettier she is than you.
 e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it 
by his wife, Peg.  "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking 
instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many 
wrong answers:
2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question is, 
"Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you 
may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:

 a -  I suppose so.
 b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes. 
 c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
 d -  Does it matter?
 e -  Who, me?
3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this question is to 
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then 
quickly leave the room.  Wrong answers include:

 a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. 
 b -  Compared to what?
 c -  A little extra weight looks good on you. 
 d -  I've seen fatter.
 e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your 
      insurance policy.
4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in the question 
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard 
thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you 
just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much 
prettier." Wrong answers include:

 a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
 b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things. 
 c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
 d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
 e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your 
      insurance policy.
 5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer:  "Dearest love, 
in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have 
meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front 
tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."  This 
might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the 
following stupid joke:
 "Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"

 "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.  "Why do you ask  
   such a question?"

 "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. 

"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. 

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. 

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

 "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

 "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

 "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. 

 "Yes" said the husband.

 "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

 "Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.

 "I see," said the wife indignantly.  "And would you let her wear my old 

 "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

 "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the pictures of me 
   and replace them with pictures of her?"

 "Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."

 "Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose you'd let 
   her play with my golf clubs, too."

 "Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She is left-handed."

IJMC July 1996 Archives