IJMC Physics and Sin

			IJMC - Physics and Sin

We're all going straight to hell for this one...or maybe not, as that 
would be bad for our orbits and god wouldn't want that. My head hurts.
P.S. Ms. Dashner, I have lost your email
address, please forgive me...and write.

   From: Charles Magee
   Newsgroup: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics
   Subject: Re: Sexual sin and christians
   Let me put all this in terms that everyone on this board will
   understand. God is a point mass, centered at the origin of our xyz
   space. Christ, we will assume, is at the right hand of God, or about
   100 centimeters away. His mass is probably around 75 kilograms. Since
   God has a very large mass, (a bit less than infinity) Christ, who we
   will assume is in a circular orbit around God, has a very large
   momentum, and hence has a very small wavelength. this means that
   Christ's uncertainty is quite small, so we can therefore conclude that
   he is fairly certain in all that he does. Not let us consider a
   sinner. We shall place him at a large distance from God, say one inch
   and 45 million light-years. He, also being in a circular orbit, will
   be traveling significantly slower than Christ, and will therefore be
   more uncertain about it. One should also consider, however, that since
   Christ's orbit could fit in a kiddie pool, while the sinner's would
   encompass not only our galaxy, but a few of the nearby ones as well,
   that the sinner gets around more, sees more, and is generally a more
   knowledgable guy than the Savior. This fits in with traditional
   wisdom. From this situation we can draw a few conclusions. The first
   is that Mary, the Mother of God, being a fairly pure person is close
   to God. This means that she must be a fast woman. The second
   conclusion that can be drawn is that sinners have a lot more potential
   than saints, since less of their energy is stored as kinetic energy.
   Further insights can be gained when we look at the situation of the
   A heathen is someone who is not affected by God. This means that they
   are at least a infinite distance from him. Now, assuming that one of
   these folk starts to travel towards God, he will convert his potential
   energy to kinetic energy during the approach, or descent. Since he
   started out an infinite distance away, but with some kinetic energy of
   his own, he will approach God on a hyperbolic trajectory and then
   dissapear into space again, never to be seen again. If his approach is
   such that it brings him inside the orbit of the Son of God, then right
   after his closest approach, the sinner's velocity will be greater than
   Jesus', which means that he will be more sure of himself in his escape
   than Christ is in orbit. This is an interesting notion, but some of
   the side ramifications are even more intriging.
   Without any orbiters, therefore, God would not be able to attract
   anyone -- all approaching bodies would have either parabolic or
   hyperbolic trajectories. However, once God has an orbiter, the two of
   them could collaborate to capture other bodies. This means that
   heathens that get too close to believers in their approaches might get
   trapped, and by the same token, believers who are buzzed by heathens
   could be ejected. And what, the reader asks at this point, does any of
   this have to do with sex? This is alt.sex.b.p.p, not alt.god.b.p.p.
   Well, the answer is this: sex, as we all know, is the union of two or
   more people. This, in our analogy, would be represented as a
   collision. Now, in Christianity, almost all of the holy figures are
   male. For God, a collision between any of these close in folk would be
   disastrous, because, even if we assume they are indestructable, such a
   high energy collision would:
     * eject one of the men in it,
     * cause one of them to fall into God,
     * or, give them highly irregular elliptical orbits.
   All of these would be bad for God, because in the first two cases he
   would lose orbiters, making His chance at capturing new ones less, and
   in the third case He would have a much greater chance of more
   collisions, as the elliptical orbiters would cross many of the
   unaffected circular orbits. Therefore, God probably disapproves of
   these collisions. Anyway, I managed to bring this rant back to the
   topic it was supposed to address in the first place, so I'm gonna eat
   lunch now. If anyone is not offended yet, I can use the anology to
   prove the next verse in Leveticus, that "no man shall wear clothes of
   two different fabrics". Later, y'all.

IJMC January 1996 Archives