IJMC - Just When You Thought They Cared

We here at the IJMC recently snuck into the backroom at our local airport 
and smuggled out this little tidbit from the airline attendant's (is that 
the PC term o'the month for stewardess? Or is "cute gal in the short 
skirt" back in fashion? Never can keep up...) handbook. I find 
distressing that there is absolutely NO mention of peanuts! Sheesh! What 
are the airlines coming to?                                         -dave




CO DATA PAGE      TERMINOLOGY       CAT:BTN SUB:DES PGE:TRM

As you are all aware, the airline industry in which we work
has it's own unique set of terminology.  The following are
some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions.

PASSENGER -
    A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually
    found in pairs or small groups.  Often will become
    vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified
    situations.  When frightened or confused these creatures
    collect into a group called a "line."  This "line" has
    no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient
    places.  Passengers are of four known species:
    Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus
    ignoramus.

PRE-BOARD -
    Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before
    departure.

VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -
    A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is
    coming off the flight.

NO-RECORD -
    Any passenger booked through a travel agency.

NON-REVENUE POSITION -
    Usually can be identified by the fact that these
    passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or
    flight attendant uniforms.  Non-revenue position are
    permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent
    revenue passengers from being able to pay first class
    passenger charges.

GROUP -
    A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling
    together.  The group leader, who has the tickets,
    usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board
    time of five minutes before departure, or until there
    are no seats left together, whichever occurs last.
    Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning
    seats to groups as this may convenience them.

SIGN -
    An airport decoration.  Usually unnoticed except by
    small children.  Its primary function is to hide the
    location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate
    numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.

POSITION CLOSED -
    This is a sign posted at various counter locations,
    which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form
    line here."

BAGGAGE CLAIM -
    The most difficult area of the airport to find.  It
    is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage
    Claim Area."

CARRY ON BAG -
    An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow
    managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the
    inbound flight.  Regardless of what the passenger says
    the following are not acceptable as carry-on items:
    bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires,
    or wide screen projection TVs.

FLIGHT SCHEDULE -
    An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

ON-TIME -
    An obscure term, meaning unknown.

FOG -
    A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs
    around an airport while the surrounding areas are
    clear.  Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used
    to delay flights.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -
    A game played by airline pilots and air traffic
    controllers.  The game has no rules, and neither side
    knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent
    flights from arriving in time for passengers to make
    connecting flights.

TICKET AGENT -
    A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding
    ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities
    of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and
    and the tact of a diplomat.  They have mysterious abilities
    to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather
    phenomenon.  They are capable of answering three
    questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and
    without stuttering or choking on their tongue.  In later
    life they start carrying on mysterious conversations
    with themselves.