IJMC Dark Suckers

			IJMC - Dark Suckers

Can someone tell me if Bell Labs did this before or after the U.S. 
Government split up AT&T? I'd just be curious to know...     -dave


               Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

     For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise.
Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark.  Thus they now call
these bulbs dark suckers.  The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell
Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass
heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

     The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck
dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.
There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.  The
larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Dark
suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in
this room.  As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever.  Once
they are full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the
black spot on a full dark sucker.  A candle is a primitive dark
sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.  You will notice that after
the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which
has been sucked into it.  If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an
operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path
of the dark flowing into the candle.

     Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited
range. There are also portable dark suckers.  The bulbs in these can't
handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark
storage unit.  When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either
emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

     Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from
this mass generates heat.  Thus it is not wise to touch an operating
dark sucker.  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must
travel in the solid wick instead of through glass.  This generates a
great amount of heat.  Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an
operating candle.  Dark is also heavier than light.  If you swim
deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker.  When
you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total
darkness.  This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the
lake and the lighter light floats to the top.  The immense power of
dark can be utilized to man's advantage.  We can collect the dark that
has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which
generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be
safely stored.  Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.  The Indians recognized
this problem, and tried to solve it.  When on a river in a canoe
travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled
slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled
against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the
dark along its way.

     Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you
were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark
closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light
slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not
be able to see the dark leave the closet.

     In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our
lives much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb
remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

IJMC January 1996 Archives