IJMC North Pole Goes Corporate

                     IJMC - North Pole Goes Corporate

Or close enough to it. I just hope my boss doesn't read this one, I might 
not have a job in the morning...                                    -dave


The recent announcement that Dooner & Blitzen have elected to take the 
early reindeer retirement plan package has triggered a good deal of 
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other 
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was no longer appropriate in view of the reality that the 
North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. 

Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's 
market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of 
the profit picture.

The reindeer dowinsizing was made possible through the purchase of a 
late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved 
productivity from Dasher & Dancer, who summered at Harvard Business 
School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernable 
loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne 
environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and 
received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be 
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. 
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak 
that Rudolph's nose got that way from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph  
"a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of his 
load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and 
taken out of context at a time when he is known to be under executive 

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North 
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective 
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the 
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to 
be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging 
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost 
effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be 
condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French Hens will remain intact. After all, everybody loves 
the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, 
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who 
the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the board of Directors. 
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative 
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other 
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks 
appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be 
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per 
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese 
will be let go , and an upgrading in the selection procedure by 
personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets 
will be a good one. 

The seven swans a swimming is obviously a number chosen in better 
times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on 
order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes 
and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy 
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce  is being 
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no 
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try 
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will 
be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the 

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the 
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee 
to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While 
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant 
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping & twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the 
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback 
on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right 
down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals 
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching 
deliveries over 12 days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, 
service levels will be improved. 

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking 
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers 
a-suing")action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be 
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the 
Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White division to 
see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

IJMC December 1996 Archives