IJMC FreeBase and Femail

                       IJMC - FreeBase and Femail

Ok, I've seen this one make the rounds, often seperated. Femail has 
garnered a lot of discontent from readers. If anyone wishes to complain 
about either one, please complain to relatives, neighbors, co-workers, or 
Bill Clinton at president@whitehouse.gov. Basically, don't bug me about 
it. It's not nearly as bad as some of the male bashing stuff I've sent in 
the past...well, 'nuff said. Read on and enjoy or don't.            -dave

New Product Announcements:

I would like to take this opportunity to announce an entirely new
database software package, with an exceptional marketing twist-

Better and stronger than DBase, Quicker and more intense than XBase,
with a higher level of processing than FoxPro and DB2, for you who
desire the highest power you can get,

Introducing FREEBASE!

Freebase is the processing addition that allows your system to work at
its fastest.  When your system is on FreeBase, you will feel that it works
faster, and with more energy than before.  Your system will seem
smarter, more sophisticated, and nearly invincible, regardless of what
other systems may indicate.

Your first installation of FREEBASE is absolutely without cost.  You will
be given free assistance in installation and setup.  You will find that
FreeBase provides an immediate pickup to your system, for a short
period of time.  Actually, the initial jolt that FreeBase provides to your
system is nearly unbelievable.

Once your system is using FreeBase, simple monthly payments to your
supplier will insure FreeBase's continued availability.  After a short
period of time under FreeBase's influence, you will probably desire to
increase the power and frequency of your FreeBase usage.  This can
be done by decreasing the time between maintenance payments, and/or
increasing the maintenance fees paid to your supplier.  Some of our
heaviest FreeBase users are paying on a daily basis or even more
frequently, to insure the highest level of FreeBase saturation.

If you decide you want to use FreeBase more, to enhance your system
continually, or increase the power of your FreeBase returns (also
known as a 'Rush'), you may opt to distribute FreeBase to other
non-users.  You will be given large credits for each new FreeBase user,
which can be applied to your FreeBase maintenance concerns.  Your
supplier will be glad to assist you in convincing your colleagues that
FreeBase is a valueable addition to their own systems.

Freebase forces information through your system at an amazingly quick
rate (some systems may actually suffer from burnout due to the intensity
that FreeBase requires).  Unfortunately, some systems with the heaviest
FreeBase usage have indicated a loss of memory, and sometimes their
systems halt.  We are confident that these were due to a bad infusion of
FreeBase, or utilizing too much FreeBase, and place all fault with the
systems in question.

You MAY notice that your systems need for FreeBase increases with
time.  In fact, FreeBase usually becomes such an integral part of a
system, that users will do nearly anything to maintain it.  Freebase usage
may indeed become the sole reason for your systems existence.  If at
some time you decide to cease the use of FreeBase, your system may
become irratic, unpredictable, and nearly uncontrollable.  Some systems
have been known to halt or abend irrecoverably during the FreeBase
withdrawal process.

We are confident that the use of FreeBase will prove to be an addictive

Contact your neighborhood supplier for your FreeBase solution (also
known as a 'Fix').

Second Product Announcement:

Yes, thats right.  In order to add more functionality to your FreeBase
installation, we are please to announce an integrated electronic mail

Introducting FeMail!

This new product will reduce your communications needs considerably.
Its intuitive interactions will often leave you scratching your head in
wonder.  From your minimal communications with this package, it will
quickly presume who your friends are (and even what their habits are),
who you should be communicating with in order to advance your career,
and let you know continually whether you are communicating effectively
with the FeMail itself.

You may find that FeMail reduces your unecessary communications with
friends and associates.  Your FeMail will intercept incoming
communications from all sources and make a determination as to
whether or not they should be relayed to you.  The FeMail is especially
thorough when examining messages from other FeMail systems.   These
messages will be examined for intent as well as content.

Messages that are received from other Mails will be scanned for
intention by your FeMail.  Any messages that will reduce your
productivity at home or at the office (invitations to bars or parties, where
the FeMail may lose contact with you for more than two hours for
example) will be delivered to you only after they can no longer be acted
upon.  A true productivity increase is then possible, and your FeMail will
even help your decide how to use this spare time to attend to
maintenance issues.

In fact, you may find that the FeMail methods are far beyond your
comprehension.  Often times the FeMail responses you receive will be
180 degrees different than the direction you thought you were heading.
In every case though, you will be compelled to agree with the decisions
that your FeMail makes.  Most areas were a FeMail is installed find that
agreeing with the FeMail is easier than attempting to justify opposing

The FeMail package includes modules for Cognitive Interpretation,
Intuition, Presumptions, Innuendos (even some you may not realize),
Inflection, and Encryption.  (The encryption package is particularly
effective, allowing other mails absolutely no chance of interpreting
interchanges between two FeMails).

You will find yourself becoming dependent on the interactions that a
FeMail makes possible.  Once the FeMail begins working in your daily
activities, you may find yourself changing certain actions to avoid
conflicting with the FeMail suggestions.

The FeMail is extremely comprehensive, and provides only for a single
user interface in most cases.  The instructions included with your FeMail
indicates that it may interact openly with other Mails in a conversational
mode, but that you should never interact with someone elses FeMail,
even in a conversational mode, and most certainly not in an interactive
mode.  The FeMail communications links have demonstrated an ability to
intuit these actions even if you believe your FeMail would be unaware of
the interaction.  Continued interaction with FeMails that are not your own
will be considered a security violation, and you may find yourself cut off
from interaction with your own FeMail.

Because of the complexity and high-level of interface required, there are
certain times (based roughly on a lunar month) when your FeMail system
may behave erratically.  During this particular cycle, your interactions
with the FeMail should be monitored closely, and offensive or interpretive
language removed.  The FeMail may misinterpret even simple
communications efforts during this short time.  This is an unavoidable
problem that the FeMail has endured since its inception, and we are still
attempting to overcome this minor glitch.

Should a misinterpretation occur, your FeMail will store the data
indefinitely, and only recall the misinterpretation when it can loosely
associate it with other facts not necessarily related to the
communications process.  You will find these recollections and
associations puzzling, but they all contribute to the operation of the
FeMail system.

Obtain Femail today, and you will be surprised at the changes it will make
in your life!!!!

(The above are both JOKES.  They are both original, and created from
the slightly demented environments of Michael Gwinnells mind).

			Submitted by: Michael Gwinnell @ northstar.org

IJMC December 1996 Archives