IJMC - Pounding Nails With One's Forehead

You ever notice how if you only have a hammer, everything else starts 
looking like a nail? Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!                 -dave






As I was walking down the street the other day, I noticed a man
working on his house. He seemed to be having a lot of trouble. As
I came closer, I saw that he was trying to pound a nail into a
board by a window --- with his FOREHEAD! He seemed to be in a
great deal of pain. This made me feel very bad, watching him
suffer so much just to fix his window pane. I thought, "Here is
an opportunity to make someone very happy simply by showing him a
better way to do things." Seeing him happy would make me happy
too. So I said, "Excuse me sir, there is a better way to do that."

He stopped pounding his head on the nail and with blood
streaming down his face said, "What?"  I said, "There is a better
way to pound that nail. You can use a hammer."

He said, "What?"

I said "A hammer. It's a heavy piece of metal on a stick. You
can use it to pound the nail. It's faster and it doesn't hurt
when you use it."

"A hammer, huh?"

"That's right. If you get one I can show you how to use it and
you'll be amazed how much easier it will make your job."

Somewhat bewildered he said, "I think I have seen hammers, but I
thought they were just toys for kids."

"Well, I suppose kids could play with hammers, but I think what
you saw were brightly colored plastic hammers. They look a bit
like real hammers, but they are much cheaper and don't really do
anything," I explained.

"Oh," he said. Then went on, "But hammers are more expensive
than using my forehead. I don't want to spend the money for a
hammer."

Now somewhat frustrated I said, "But in the long run the hammer
would pay for itself because you would spend more time pounding
nails and less time treating head wounds."

"Oh," he said. "But I can't do as much with a hammer as I can
with my forehead," he said with conviction.

Exasperated, I went on. "Well, I'm not quite sure what else
you've been using your forehead for, but hammers are marvelously
useful tools. You can pound nails, pull nails, pry apart boards.
In fact every day people like you seem to be finding new ways to
use hammers. And I'm sure a hammer would do all these things much
better than your forehead."

"But why should I start using a hammer? All my friends pound
nails with their foreheads too. If there were a better way to do
it I'm sure one of them would have told me," he countered.

Now he had caught me off guard. "Perhaps they are all thinking
the same thing," I suggested. "You could be the first one to
discover this new way to do things," I said with enthusiasm.

With a skeptical look in his bloodstained eye he said,"Look,
some of my friends are professional carpenters. You can't tell me
they don't know the best way to pound nails."

"Well, even professionals become set in their ways and resist
change." Then in a frustrated yell I continued, "I mean, come on!
You can't just sit there and try to convince me that using your
forehead to pound nails is better than using a hammer!"

Now quite angry he yelled back, "Hey listen buddy, I've been
pounding nails with my forehead for many years now. Sure, it was
painful at first but now it's second nature to me. Besides, all
my friends do it this way and the only people I've ever seen
using hammers were little kids. So take your stupid little
children's toys and get the hell off my property!"

Stunned, I started to step back. I nearly tripped over a large
box of head bandages. I noticed a very expensive price tag on the
box and a blue company logo on the price tag. I had seen all I
needed to see. This man had somehow been brainwashed, probably by
the expensive bandage company, and was beyond help. Hell, let him
bleed, I thought. People like that deserve to bleed to death. I
walked along, happy that I owned not one but three hammers at
home. I used them every day at school and I use them now every day
at work and I love them. A sharp pain hit my stomach as I
recalled the days before I used hammers, but I reconciled myself
with the thought that tonight at the hammer users club meeting I
could talk to all my friends about their hammers. We will make
jokes about all the idiots we know that don't have hammers and
discuss whether we should spend all of our money buying the fancy
new hammers that just came out. Then when I get home, like every
night, I will sit up and use one of my hammers until very late
when I finally fall asleep. In the morning I will wake up ready
to go out into the world proclaiming to all non-hammer users how
they too could become an expert hammer user like me.