IJMC - Dear IRS

I like this. I like this a lot. I'd really like to know what happenned to 
the guy after he sent this off. And what happenned to his kids, that 
young one sounds like a brat and the guy a bit after my own heart 
(although purple dye was never me, just breaking and entering).     -dave





       This is a real letter by someone at Intel. 

       The IRS sent me a letter last Friday.  They audited my return and 
       denied two of my dependent deductions!  I thought you might like 
       to read my response which, while more devastating than any militia 
       plot, is a kinder and gentler way of striking fear into the heart 
       of government!

       Dear Sirs:

       I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of 
       the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax
       return.  Thank you.  I have questioned whether these are my 
       children or not for years.  They are evil and expensive.

       It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
       responsibility that the government (who, evidently, is now taxing 
       me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and 
       what to expect over the next year.  You may apply next year to
       reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction.  This year they 
       are yours!

       The oldest, Kristen, is now 17.  She is brilliant.  Ask her!  I 
       suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
       peoples questions about their returns.  While she has had no formal 
       training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other
       subject you can name.  Taxes should be a breeze.  Next year she is 
       going to college.  I think it's wonderful that you will now be
       responsible for that little expense.  While you mull that over,
       keep in mind she has a truck.  It doesn't run at the moment so you 
       have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
       Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her 
       to school.  Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy.  While she
       possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I 
       have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
       abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This 
       is always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling 
       it in the future.  May I suggest you reinstate Joycelyn Elders who 
       had a rather good handle on the problem.

       Patrick is 14.  I've had my suspicions about this one.  His eyes
       are a little too close together for normal people.  He may be a tax 
       examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first.  In
       February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police 
       officer who was bringing Pat home.  He and his friends were TP'ing 
       houses.  In the future would you like him delivered to the local 
       IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT?  Kids at 14 will do
       almost anything on a dare.  His hair is purple.  Permanent dye, 
       temporary dye, what's the big deal?  Learn to deal with it.
       You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of 
       school after instigating a food fight.  I'll take care of filing 
       your phone number with the vice principal.  Oh yes, he, and all 
       his friends, have raging hormones.  This is the house of
       testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in 
       your home.  DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, 
       explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. 
       (I'm sure you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable 
       amusement, be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

       Heather is an alien.  She slid through a time warp and appeared 
       quite by magic one year.  I'm sure this one is yours.  She is 10, 
       going on 21.  She came from a bad trip in the sixties.  She wears 
       tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny
       Tim's.  Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you 
       offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.  Hooked on
       Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it.  Good news!  You 
       can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are 
       denying!  It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the
       other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of 
       terror.  She cannot speak English.  Most people under twenty
       understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
       girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak.  I
       don't.  The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her 
       roll her R's.  It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
       voice.  She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her 
       ears pierced four more times.  There is a fascination with tattoos 
       that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it.  Bring a truck
       when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I 
       think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out 
       what it's really made of.

       You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair 
       you get to pick which two you will take.  I prefer you take the
       two youngest, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense 
       but then I'm free!  If you take the two oldest at least I have
       time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.  If  you 
       take the two girls I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a 
       military academy.  Please let me know of your decision as soon as 
       possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to 
       cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an
       airplane.

       Yours Truly,
       
       [ijmc ed - dunno where it came from, this line was missing]