IJMC - Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

I have no idea where this came from, although I could always ask the 
submitter as he's in my living room...but that would be too easy. And he 
might tell me! It starts out fairly bland (IJMCNN?) but picks up fairly 
quickly. Also, if you're not careful, you might learn something about 
current events!                                                    -dave

                  [cue James Earl Jones] "This, is I.J.M.C."





This is an Internet News Service news bulletin:


The FBI is still investigating security guard Richard Jewell in the bombing
at the Olympics last week.  While agents were searching Jewell's former home 
and a rented storage shed, director Louis Freeh insisted that no
accusations had been made and agents were merely following every possible
lead presented to them.  It's not easy tracing a bomb any idiot can make,
especially with so many idiots in the greater Atlanta area, a great number 
of them tourists.  Thank god no one's left a bomb like that in Congress. 

Speaking of which, the Anti-Terrorism talks in the House of Representatives 
which held so much promise for stronger anti-terrorist legislation, have been 
stalemated along party lines.  Attempt to contain your disbelief.  This event,
unheard of in our generation, surely will not become a precedent.  Such a
hypothetical government would never be able to get anything done.  We live
in a much more practical society.  In fact, here's an idea to prove it.  Send 
this article to your local congressman, Democrat or Republican, and we'll 
watch them unanimously agree on legislation outlawing sarcasm.  

News Flash: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still at Microsoft.

In related news, Bill Gates has made an official statement that Microsoft is
not planning to become a media corporation, and that the television news 
service MSNBC is "an anomaly."  Mr. Gates, who has been described in
those terms himself, promised that Microsoft would instead reach the public 
through its software.  After installing Windows '95 once myself, this
reporter considers that last statement a threat.

The NASA experimental rocket Graham-Clipper, formerly known as the Delta
Clipper Experimental Advanced, caught fire and exploded on its test flight
this week.  NASA program manager Dan Dumbacher stated,"We had a good flight
until the landing.  The problem came 20 feet above the ground when two of
the landing gear did not work right."  The landing gear which didn't work
right, or, in fact, at all, caused the unmanned rocket to topple, catch fire
and explode.  On its previous test flight in June, the Clipper also caught
fire, revealing the $50 million rocket a suborbital Zippo.  The $900 million
contract for the orbit-capable model has already been signed.

Nicolas Villarruel of Denver, became yesterday the man with the most
dangerous sneeze in the world.  The 29-year-old assembly line worker was the
victim of an industrial accident where a car airbag charge was forcefully
jammed up his nose.  Mr. Villarruel was rushed into surgery, surgery that
had to be performed submerged in water as the charge was air-sensitive. 
Due to a certain miscalculation on the part of the doctors, the explosive
was removed successfully roughly two minutes after Mr. Villarruel drowned. 
Resuscitation was successful; lawsuits are pending.


This has been an Internet News Update, staff writer Miles Kilgore reporting