IJMC Are You a Guy?

			IJMC - Are You a Guy?

Just in case you were wondering, here's the simple test to find out... -dave

Are You a Guy?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient 

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you 
   are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
   friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly
   sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an 
   infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and
   permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire 

   You decide to:

   a. Present it to the president of the United States.
   b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. 
   c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss 
   the most?

   a. Innocence.
   b. Idealism.
   c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male? 

   a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard 
      for narrow-minded social conventions.
   b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
   c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
      really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, 
      you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male? 

   a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
   b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, 
      you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in 
      this male's trachea!  I am not in any way aroused!")
   c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home 
      run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
     (1) He is legally within the basepath,
     (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
     (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to 
         cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... 

   a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
   b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
   c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and 

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: 

   a. A cat.
   b. A dog.
   c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and 
   intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One leisurely
   Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a 
   football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of
   the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, 
   but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your 
   relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to 
   get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of
   future together.  What do you say? 

   a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you 
      don't want to rush it.
   b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot 
      honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
      commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. 
   c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want 
   to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the 
   sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
   opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you 
   tell her?

   a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
   b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
      and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and 
      the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
   c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
   get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her 

   a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" 
   b. "They're in school already?"
   c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? 

    a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes 
       so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
       your legs.
    b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and 
       has to be handled with tweezers.
    c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks 
       the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming
       names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard 
       his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy
       seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
    fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years 
    before they finally got to the Promised Land?

    a. He was being tested.
    b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they 
       finally got there.
    c. He refused to ask directions. 

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? 

    a. Democracy.
    b. Religion.
    c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer 
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real 
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point 
bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and 

IJMC September 1995 Archives