IJMC - The English Language, it so funny!
I'm tired so here's a set of junk mail a friend sent to me, starting off
with some quotes and then delving into the wild yonder of English
language mixups. Til tomorrow, -dave
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become
spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially
members of the House and members of the Senate."
Vice-President Dan Quayle (surprise, surprise)
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
On Pesticides:
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
something else anyway."
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for
the police."
Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of
various products abroad
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator
"If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on the
bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games in this
league, and that's the problem we had today."
Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost
On Government Ability to Communicate After Death,:
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired
on January 1, 1976."
Illinois Department of Public Aid
On Criticism:
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass--and
I'm just the one to do it."
a congressional candidate in Texas
"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad
MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio
Wish--To end all the killing in the world
Hobbies--Hunting and fishing
from personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on
the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium
"He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men
and give it to 435 Congressmen!"
Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard that the indicted
Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by the House
instead of in a regular court
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century."
Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion
about the Holocaust
"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early
seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar"
"At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters took part in the
program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
from Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them
unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
underpolluted."
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why
we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
On the Little-known Importance of Poultry Inspectors:
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President;
hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of
David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island
"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on
the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series
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ENGLISH: A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE
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From storefront, or otherwise, signs:
On a Califormia freeway:
Fine for Littering
In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:
Sid's Pants is Open
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job
In a New York jewelry store:
Genuine Fauz Pearls
In a Kansas City oculist's office:
Broken lenses duplicated here
In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only
Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help
On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge
On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.
At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended
On a Rapid City store:
Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms of Other Fine Bait
On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur
In a Grand Rapids restaurant:
Half baked chicken
In a Dayton barbershop:
During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here
On a Jacksonwille, Florida, bookstore:
Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books
On a construction office in England:
We Specialize in Quick Erections
On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honoring Robert Frost:
Frost Free Library
_____________________________________________________________________________
From Headline Howlers
Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge
Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents can Drop off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
____________________________________________________________________________
Mysteries of Language
In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say
you are "going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their
frugality. The Dutch, on the other hand, call the same arrangement
"op z'n Amerikaans" (going American) because the Americans are known
for their egalitarian nature!
In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from
Turkey. In Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from
"Hindistan", which is Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to
comment on the Hindi name of a turkey?)
French fries aren't really French. In fact, they were invented by
the English, who call them chips. The French
call them "pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]".
In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankforters.
In Frankfort, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.
"It's Greek to me." But what does a Greek say to confess total
noncomprehension? A Greek says, "Stop talking Chinese!" Bravo- but
what does a Chinese say? What a Chinese says is staggering: "Your
words are like Buddha's attendant, 12 feet tall, whose head I cannot
reach!" When Poles, on the other hand, are unable to understand
something, they blurt, "I am hearing a sermon in Turkish!"
Frenchmen, who are especially irritated by incomprehensibility,
murmur, "Pray stop talking Hebrew!" And Jews dismiss ensnarled (or
foolish) statements with a crisp "Stop knocking a teapot!"
>>> - Leo Rosten, "Hoorah for Yiddish!", Simon & Schuster >>>
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