IJMC 50 Ways To Clear The Computer Lab

	       IJMC - 50 Ways To Clear The Computer Lab

Well all, the IJMC is back once again! And to start us off this time, is
this helpful guide on how to clear a computer lab of normals so that you 
can have some "quality" time with your telnet sessions...but before we 
venture on to this helpful handbook, I just want to say welcome to all 
the new members of the IJMC, the roster grew during the few weeks I was 
on vacation...hope you enjoy, and feel free to spread the word!    -dave


1.  Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
	scream "Oh my God!  They've found me!" and bolt.

2.  Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and
	look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3.  When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty
	that you can't get the damn thing to work.  After he/she's
	turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the
	process for a good half hour.

4.  Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
	you evilly.

5.  Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
	different screen than the one it's set up with.

6.  Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at
	the highest volume possible over & over again.

7.  Work normally for a while.  Suddenly look amazingly startled by
	something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8.  Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
	top-secret Pentagon files.

9.  Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10.  Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it

11.  Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it.  If anyone asks why you have
	it, say  "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12.  Type on VAX for a while.  Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
	at everything bad about your life.  Then stop and continue

13.  Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
	they're crazy while typing.

14.  Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before

15.  Ask around for a spare disk.  Offer $2.  Keep asking until
	someone agrees.  Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say,
	"Oops, I forgot."

16.  Every time you press Return and there is processing time
	required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and
	scream "YES!"  when it finishes.

17.  "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18.   Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
	(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to
	make new friends).

19.  Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
	Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20.  If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The
	Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21.  Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it
	to your monitor.  Try to seduce it.  Act like it hates you and
	then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22.  Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
	when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23.  When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
	where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24.  Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
	done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25.  Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.  After
	doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person
	next to you.

26.  Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
	next to grinding.  Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke
	the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension,
	and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27.  If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends,
	cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28.  Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on
	your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29.  Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks.  Remove shoes
	and place them of top of the monitor.  Remove socks layer by
	layer and drape them around the monitor.  Exclaim sudden haiku
	about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30.  Take the keyboard and sit under the computer.  Type up your
	paper like this.  Then go to the lab supervisor and complain
	about the bad working conditions.

31.  Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
        continue working.

32.  Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33.  Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A
	Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.).  Whenever you hit a key,
	hum its note loudly.  Write an entire paper this way.

34.  Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35.  Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
	me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard &
	taking it.

36.  Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37.  When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
	sometimes the old ways are best.

38.  Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39.  Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
	until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the
	space bar so your file isn't affected).  Then look at your
	neighbor's keyboard.  Hit his/her delete key several times,
	erasing an entire word.  While you do this, ask: "Does *your*
	delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the
	space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've
	deleted about a page of your neighbor's document.  Then,
	suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know?  I've been hitting the
	space bar this whole time.  No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
	Print out your document and leave.

40.  Remove your disk from the drive and hide it.  Go to the lab
	monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk.
	(For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around
	the disk drive.  Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41.  Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
	puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.
	Keep laughing, grab your stuffand leave, howling as you go.

42.  Point at the screen.  Chant in a made up language while making
        elaborate hand  gestures for a minute or two.  Press return
	or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" 
	peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and
	say.  "Oh, good.  It worked this time," and calmly start to
	type again.

43.  Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44.  See who's online.  Send a total stranger a talk request.  Talk
	to them like you've known them all your lives.  Hangup before
	they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45.  Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
	effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46.  Pull out a pencil.  Start writing on the screen.  Complain that
	the lead doesn't work.

47.  Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
	flowers in your hair.  Smile incessantly.  Type a sentence, then
	laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the
	screen. Repeat this after every sentence.  As your ecstasy mounts,
	also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the
	computer assistant, and walk out.

48.  Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then
        calmly sit down and begin to type.

49.  Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
	chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest
	person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding
	my pet crocodile for the next week".

50.  Two words: Tesla Coil

Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC).
Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments,
submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at eatheror@netcom.com
       IJMC WebPage - http://gsusgi2.gsu.edu/~stdmdix/ijmc/ijmc.html

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IJMC May 1995 Archives