IJMC - Christ's Autobiography

If you are devoutly religious, I would recommend you pass this one by. 
Otherwise, read on and prepare to spend eternity in hell!        -dave




D y n a m i c   D e i t y   M a n a g e m e n t   L t d .
=========================================================


     Date :- 3rd May 0023

     TO:
     Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
     13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
     Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
     Judea.

     Dear Sirs,
     
     It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and 
publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a  biography would, he 
is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published 
in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the 
highest authority.
      However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life 
and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
     
     1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you 
propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
     
     2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin 
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you 
utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario.  Mr. Christ realises that this is 
entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating 
the credibility of the average religious zealot.
     
     3. That all references to the incident involving the members of 
members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be 
exised forthwith.
     
     4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual 
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough.  An 
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical 
impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large 
cast.
     
     5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My 
dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'
     
     6. That a fictional  character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be 
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case, 
that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should 
on no account be discussed.
     
     7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed 
or at least modified.
     
      As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why 
you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he 
doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your 
previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - 
Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in 
the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer 
of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book.
     In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his 
promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.

       Yours sincerely.

       Adam G Smith.
       pp Jesus H Christ.