IJMC - Christ's Autobiography
If you are devoutly religious, I would recommend you pass this one by.
Otherwise, read on and prepare to spend eternity in hell! -dave
D y n a m i c D e i t y M a n a g e m e n t L t d .
Date :- 3rd May 0023
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and
publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he
is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published
in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life
and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1. That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
2. That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you
utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realises that this is
entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-one ever went bust underestimating
the credibility of the average religious zealot.
3. That all references to the incident involving the members of
members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be
4. That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the theatrical
impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large
5. That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My
dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'
6. That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case,
that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent exposure, should
on no account be discussed.
7. And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed
or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why
you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he
doesn't see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your
previous books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter -
Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in
the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer
of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book.
In any case Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his
promotion for 'Shake 'n' Vac'.
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.