IJMC From the Home of Coca-Cola Itself!

	       IJMC - From the Home of Coca-Cola Itself!

Quench that thirst, as only a 30-Liter can do! Dang, wish these were out 
already, I could use a couple of them for my next party!	   -dave


         --Bottle will be unwieldly, inconvenient--

        ATLANTA--The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference
yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available
exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople,
Coke's decision to sell its product in what many consider to be
overly-large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of
consumer demands, but rather on the company's desire to make a resounding
display of its corporate might.

        Several major drink companies attempted to improve on the standard
two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the
new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss.
"The three-liter didn't fail because it was too big, but because it was not
big enough," Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. "With our new 30-liter size,
that won't be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters
for you right now. But, 30 liters? That's untouchable."

        The new bottle is plastic, nearly four feet tall, and weighs 274
pounds when filled with Coke. In development tests, it took an average of
three men to lift the new bottle. The product will fit in an average
refrigerator, but only when all other products and shelving have been
removed. Most inconvenient of all, the new Coke will go flat if not drunk
within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped. The Coca-Cola
corporation does not see these factors as drawbacks.

        "By requiring three men to lift the bottle, our new product will
encourage a sense of community," Hertner said. "The popular image of the
lonely soda drinker wasting his life away in solitude will no longer be
relevant, because anyone wanting to drink the new Coke will need two
buddies to get the soda home, and at least 10 buddies to drink it all. The
quick loss of carbonation might lead to tiny problems, but what are people
going to do? Stop drinking Coke? I think not."

        Sociologists see Coke's plan to manufacture the 30-liter bottle as
a logical one. "It makes sense," Stanford Professor Edmund Tillerton said.
"Americans like big things. Big sky, big cars, big stereo speakers, big
tits, big dicks, and big TV sets. It would follow that we would like big
bottles of Coke. We like things to be larger than life, and that's what the
new Coke size is."

        At the conference, Coke stressed that the new 30-liter bottle would
not be merely a new size option, but will soon be the only size option.
"We're phasing out the smaller cans and bottles as well as two-liter
sizes," Hertner said. "We're confident that people will take to the new
30-liter size. Besides, they won't have a choice. We own Minute Maid as
well. Soon, all orange juice will only be available in 30-liter sizes.
Fruitopia, too. We will buy controlling stock in every beverage company
and force them to follow suit. We are very confident. Did I mention that we
own a small nation? If the people of this country don't like the
newly-sized product, we'll simply declare war. We will bury you."

        Consumers are eager to sample the new size. "I like Coke a lot, so
it would follow that I would like a lot of Coke," Linda Jillerman of
Cincinnatti said. "For the last 13 years, I've been working on a mechanism
to funnel Coke into larger containers. I had to quit my job to do this, but
it was worth it. Now, with the new size, Coke does all the work! I'll be
able to get my old job back!"

        The new size of Coke is ready for the public, and the public is
ready for it. After considering "Coka-Munga" and "The Shitload," executives
on "Family Size" as the product's official name.

        An extensive promotional campaign for the product is also in the
works. The Coca-Cola company is considering exhuming the corpse of
wrestling legend Andre The Giant for use as the product's spokesman. If
Andre is chosen, Coca-Cola will reanimate him in the same laboratories
where the Coca-Cola head executives were cloned. "Ve velcome zees
challenge," head scientist Gunther Brauerhauer said.

IJMC June 1995 Archives