IJMC - The Five Stages of Drinking

Who in the world is Bill Shaffery? If you know him or are him, please let 
me know, I'm a curious soul. And tomorrow night, I'm going to be a 
plastered soul, but that's another story and a few more bottles. Anyway, 
have a happy New Year everyone, my next post will be in a year or so...
and regardless, be safe. It's still fun and you get to do it year after 
year after year after you get the point. G'night.                   -dave




     The Five Stages of Drinking (Otherwsise known as a typical Bill 
     Shaffery night out)
     ---------------------------------
     
     LEVEL 1:
     It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've  had a few beers. You
     get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your 
     friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends.  Here at 
     level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as 
     long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
     
     LEVEL 2:
     It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 
     minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, 
     but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now 
     you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for 
     anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours 
     sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
     
     LEVEL 3:
     One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.  You've just 
     spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf.  And now you're 
     thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" 
     At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy
     a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you
     like his face.  You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we 
     bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. 
     Tommy, you could cook.")  But at level three, that devil is a little 
     bit bigger....and he's buying.  And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come 
     on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of 
     blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
     
     LEVEL 4:
     Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending.  For last call, you 
     ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time 
     on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the 
     bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, 
     "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen."  You and your 
     friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of 
     you knows an ...after hours bar.  And here, at level four, you 
     actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get
     a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!!
     Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting 
     looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work 
     for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow 
     ...................cool.
     
     LEVEL 5:
     Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money 
     back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named 
     Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar 
     with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's 
     the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. 
     I gotta be in Hell- at nine.  I've got that brunch with Hitler, I 
     can't miss that."  At this point, you're all drinking some kind of 
     thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding.  A waitress 
     with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday 
     I'm gonna marry that girl!!"  One of your friends stands up and 
     screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out.  You crawl 
     outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the 
     sun.  You weren't expecting that were you? You never do.  You walk out 
     of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or 
     jogging.  And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's 
     Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's 
     like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then 
     that sun is like God's flashlight.  We all say the same prayer then, 
     "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" 
     And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"