IJMC - A wicked set...
Oh boy...laughs when I got it...laughs when I post it...and with luck,
laughs when you read it...enjoy, the humor's decidedly sinful! -dave
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A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the
confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my
wife was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with
her."
The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a
sin and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt
guilty. The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way. Next,
the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning over
the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how
long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest
tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have
sex and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted
that she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and
think no more about it.
As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband
would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave
you that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from
the supermarket!"
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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife
on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says
"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to
stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear,
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
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These three women were sitting around one night talking about there
boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on
kinds of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as
strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven
inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
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A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As
he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches
for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy,
and she gets mad at me for sucking my *thumb*"
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The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next
day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter
words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All
evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."
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A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some
preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and
generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl
started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your
organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
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Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up
whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The
other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy
paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."
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A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to
Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him,
"So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun,
the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him.
"A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the
man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
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An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the
young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said
the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
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Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night
they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The
daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the
mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room
you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
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Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?
Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?
Mother: A raven, dear.
Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?
Mother: A swallow!
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The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
An Italian man was walking along a secluded beach one day, when he spotted
beautiful naked woman lying on the beach. Unable to restrain himself, he
immediately jumped on her and proceeded to hump like a rabid rabbit.
Soon, however, the townspeople came out and began to beat the man, calling
him names. "Bastardo!" "Perverto!" They cried out desperately.
"Perverto? I am-a no perverto!" the man hollered back.
The people responded, "Idiot! Can't you see this woman is-a DEAD!?".
"DEAD?!", he cried. "My God, I thought she was-a English!"
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Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?
Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked.
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A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going
to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he
returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and
rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked.
The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out:
Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep
on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to
the high demand, I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa,
making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that
stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL
rich.
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I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's
go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No...But
I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."
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Two WASPs are making love. Afterward the man says to the woman, "What's
the matter? Didn't you like it?" The woman says, "Of course I liked it.
What gave you the idea that I didn't?" "Well," says the man, "you moved."
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One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home
when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush.
"What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the
scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father,
as he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly.
A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to
the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises
coming from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father
on top of his mother, moving in a strange way.
His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father
froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the
father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom.
"What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't
sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make
a baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father,
now confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity.
"Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you
go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy".
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The difference between a good girl and a nice girl:
A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.
A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
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Yet Another E-Mail Sent By The International Junk Mail Clearinghouse (IJMC).
Unless otherwise specified, distribute freely. All questions, comments,
submissions, and requests should be directed to Dave at eatheror@netcom.com
IJMC WebPage - http://gsusgi2.gsu.edu/~stdmdix/ijmc/ijmc.html
This is Mac. \\\\|////
He wants to travel the world. ( O O )
Please add him to your .sig and help him. ---oOOo--U--oOOo---
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